First loves as I have observed will be the one you always remember; the one you learn about the kind of pain you feel inside is so much worse than physical pain itself; some people start building walls after (sometimes the walls never come down).That is why I think that if you are someone's first love you are really lucky. With your first love I believe you give your all or more.So open; so vunerable; so naive; so oblivious to the fact that most of the time it will probably end at some point or other and it will hurt like crazy, NO, like F***.And then it ends. For real. F***. Then ppl build walls, shut down, close your heart, lock the doors, break down.You will get over him/her.But you are not exactly the same as before.Someone else comes along but no matter how much you may like ths new person, you can't give as much, won't give as much, scared to give as much. You wouldn't want to go through the F***ing ordeal all over again. Do you? That's why I guess if someone is your first love, and you are not thiers, you may not be so lucky. But it is because of the pain, the downs and the shit that when you are have your ups, your good times, you feel the incredible mind blowing difference.I am not saying after your first love you can not give your all or more. But rather you don't give your all so quickly, so recklessly, so easily. Your loves after the first will definately have to work more. Maybe even not getting through those walls and guards that were built. This can go on and on. Debatable. Differing views.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
im starting to hate this. a stupid game of cat and mouse, honestly, why prolong all this drama. all the 'what ifs' are killing me, and im sure you are dying too. isnt it tiring? lets end this. please.i just had the worst holiday ever. im starting to become a paranoid. a couple of weeks more and imma get myself admitted into IMH. seriously. do u think running away solves everything? maybe it does on your side. but as for me, seeing how you have to change your life to go around anywhere i am, it saddens me. think i had fun at the party? look at the pics closely. i honestly wld have prefered it if u had gone and if i stayed away. hey, its not as if u care bout how i feel... so why am i this way then?
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Love is never wanting to lose faith, never wanting to give up, and never truly moving on. Love is knowing and praying in the deepest part of what's left of your heart that the other person feels the same.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
do you remember how it was like to feel happy?
Sunday, December 14, 2008
today is a very special day, one to be remembered by me for the memories, second to the times i spent with you.18 years gone past, and tis was the first time i ever talked to my brother. not like a big bro suaning his little bro, but like equals. like friends. and we shared our darkest secrets.i gotta admit, it felt a little awkward. but then again, that was how we were brought up. everything was businesslike and we had no time for emoshit heart to hearts.well, its a start.and while chilling at the nus grandstand, i saw two shooting stars. ive always had a fixation with these beauties. their lifespan so short, as they zoom past the earth's atmosphere, but yet their brilliance and the aura they creat leave a beautiful memory in the hearts and minds of the people who are fortunate to see them. you are my shooting star. u brightened up my dark skies once, and i can only wait and hope that your orbit brings u back to me in the future. :)
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
how far will you go to protect your principles? im talking bout when u see ppl do stuff that u think are wrong. do you act as if you didnt see or wld u confront them?
personally, i thnk im non confrontational. but when push comes to shove, or when im really peeved, i snap. haha. imagine me getting mad.
but yes. my history proves it. fights and more fights and many many police cases and visits to the hospitals.
and the click five's All I Need is You is looping in my background. :)
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
why do i cry when i read my own blog? is it the sad song which was chosen cuz it totally reflects the way i feel bout us right now? or is it the entries. or perhaps, the idea that you are no longer my friend. that my actions chased you away. yes. thats it.
im sorry.
the long wait.
12/09/2008 08:37:00 pmwhen you stop to think, you see things you never saw before. when you stop running, the world moves much slower around you, and things are much more clearer. all i ask is to be able to talk. maybe not right now. but some day perhaps? and until then, ill be waiting. dont feel guilty bout that, ive got no other place id rather be. and perhaps, by waiting, patiently, and giving you the space you desired, keeping my fire within me, i can finally re-gain your trust? all i can do is hope. and wait. will you forgive me?
Monday, December 08, 2008
sad
12/08/2008 10:22:00 ammy days are long
but my nights are longer
without you by my side
i dont see them getting any shorter
without you by my side
i dont see my life getting any better
i dont want you back
you were the best i ever had
i just need you back
'cause from where i stand,
the future looks so sad.
Sunday, December 07, 2008
boringness.
12/07/2008 07:06:00 pmanother day going by. and i find myself at my favourite corner, sitting down. im not thinking, im not doing anything. all i want to do is cry. dont ask me why. life seems like a chore to me. something that i gotta do not-so-whole-heartedly. its damn siandening. :( i dont even sound like a man. who i am hates who i've been. who i am hates who i've been.
Thursday, December 04, 2008
self pity
12/04/2008 02:34:00 pmim stopping this nonsense now. when you go in search of the wrong thing, you end up screwing up everything. time for me to go into hiding. time to find myself once again. convince him that there is a life out there meant to be lived. tell him that there are many people im disappointing right now, especially that special someone. no more self-pity, alright? it gets you no where. wake up wake up! please?
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
time. faster come faster go.
12/03/2008 01:52:00 amu can never be too confident. everytime i thought i finally understood the problem, things happen and im brought down to size. stupid stupid. it was never you. it was me all along. like a dr jerkyl and mr hyde, my mind played tricks and i got confused. gah. please stop this torture.
afraid
12/03/2008 01:52:00 ami will never get the chance to lead a normal life again. like a criminal tried and sentenced to death, i had no chance to plead my case. im innocent, damnit!why are you so stubborn, why are you so adamant. well, from your blog post, its obvious u dont see the mistakes you make. maybe people are blind to their own faults. they are always quick to snap at others.can i blame you? no. why? because im still a fool. ill wait awhile till you realize. never be too arrogant to accept that you have made a mistake. before you accuse, take a while to contemplate, is the fault really mine or yours?looks like you are the one thats still dwelling on e past; atleast ur perception of me is la.time changes people. and learning new insights help changing the way people think. i can only hope you realize that.:(afraid of me. honestly, im arfaid of you.
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
me
12/02/2008 01:43:00 amdeep down, i am still the same person. sure, ive learnt stuff and changed for the better. but where it matters, im still ME. "i think you handled the situation very maturely. its a side of you ive never seen before" i think youre right, minghui. :) its time to find the old me. the funloving, random, hyperactive me.where are you, little boy?