i stand here, a new man. not one to be proud of. rather, im ashamed, torn and dejected. i sense a cycle starting. uve got a high point in life, things go ur way. uve got lots of friends and admirers, u find that special someone. ure strong. or are you?its only in testing times do you see your true worth. your character is put under fire and it takes pure mental fortitude to come out unscathed.i always thought i was doing the right thing. that cuz i kept thinking before acting, i should be safe. but for all my arrogance, i countered the turn too much and i hit the wall on the other side. i lost her. firstly. i achieved something i swore never to do the moment i laid my eyes on her. i hurt her. she doesnt want anything to do with me now. its obvious. i see her everywhere i go. literally. but its as if im invisible. a while ago, she was adamant that she wanted to come down to support me in the race that meant more to me than she herself. and look at the situation now. she wouldnt even wish me good luck. do i deserve it? yeah. probably. i was stupid and ignorant. hurting someone without realizing is a bigger crime than if u were to hurt her on purpose. atleast in that case, u kno where u went wrong or u kno wad ure doing, so u can make ammends if need be. one month down, i realize my mistakes. but i also find myself repeating them. so ive decided. to truly get back what i want, i relli needa learn to let go. odd. ive been hurt super bad. nvr felt this way before. its like pain and fear of being lonely twined with a deep sense of yearning and lost, sugarcoated with the memories which now seem so distant. it feels as if youve died. like i killed you. that is one regret i will never overcome. maybe ill nvr love again. a farfetched conclusion. but. fuck it la. no hurt is this worth it. unless i can have you back. am i a fool? perhaps. oh, and wen i tot the world cant get any more cruel, guess what. boat B got eliminated today. they were supposed to get a good comfortable race and make it into e finals. BUT. sdba changed their line-up. the semis became a finals. the boys were devastated. they werent psyched up enough. can u blame them? dragonboating is about the mental. everyone is equally strong. its about how ure gonna overcome ur physical state. convince urself that u can go that extra inch when ur body simply refuses to move. oh well. sacrifices. sometimes, they are worth it. WHAT AM I TO DO NOW? ive lost on two fronts. i dont want to die on this last battle. i wish you would be here, to tell me like you used to, to reassure me that everything is gonna be ok. i kno ill be alright. but. i cant go through this much alone. it feels like u lied to me. u said u wd be there for me as a friend. well, friends dont abandon their friends. ok, ive done stuff.. but its not like im not aware or remourseful wad. i cry, drean abd waste my study time thinking of this. and the stupidest thing? i held your picture close to my heart as i was psyching up for my race yesterday. thats how much u mean to me. cant understand why u dun see things my way. do i deserve this? all i did was love you. alittle too much perhaps. i was happy with wad i got in return. all i asked was to see ur smile. was that too much? apparently, yes. they say time will heal all wounds. one thing is for sure, my scar will remain till the day i die. i will never forget you. i will never hate you. i can never be angry, cuz i understand. u had to do those things you did. for yourself. my only regret was that you forgot bout me. u said i wld be ok. u even quoted that song. i fell for it. i believed you. then you said im not the guy for you. u said lots of harsh stuff. maybe my persistance wen u wanted to be free, drove u to say those things. but they hurt. i nvr raised my voice on you. i nvr dared use any vulgar or hurtful words too. but these words coming from you, please dont do it to any other guy. kristie says im strong. and i took it well enough. i toyed with suicide. heh. no, im not that weak. its juz that, the thought flashed tru my mind. and i was wondering. when push comes to shove, is this a worthit situation for suicide. maybe. if u cant see how much u mean to me. i gotta do somethhng to tell u that. something to separate myself from all the other guys out there who use clicke and want their baby back. i am not like them. because, im yours. i was yours. in anycase, i see that you are happy. like ure genuinely smiling. oddly, u nvr smiled that way wen u were with me. things were all serious. heartfelt and sweet. but nothing haha funny, im enjoying myself kind. sighs. i failed. failed big time. what do i do next? its like, i cant go to anyone right now. cuz i tink they are sianded by me. like im the bad guy now. maybe i am. kristen tells me to just forget it. life sucks. deal with it. aie. its easier said than done. do i look like i enjoy being hurt? erm, i tot i did. cuz im hurt by an angel. ah crap. cheesiness. i miss you.