its funny how songs can portray how much you feel. when words are at a loss, when you cant see that special someone face to face, sometimes, songs do. its like, i can write one whole conversation using songs.and it is especially true when you're down and the world kicks you everytime you're trying to get up. six billion people in this world. six billion different souls. but somehow, nomatter how different we all are, no matter how different our experiences, our habits, the people we love, what we might or might not have done, regardless whether we deserve what we are going through, somehow... we all hurt the same. and songs seem to say it all. its times like this, i realize, everybody hurts. you shouldnt be selfish and think your problem is the biggest one around. and that the world has to revolve around you. that was my biggest mistake. i admit. i chased her away, and i irritated everyone around me. and by the time i picked myself up, it was kinda too late.well, everyone has their faults. its how well you bounce back from it that counts. and also, how much you learn, are willing to sacrifice and not commit the same thing over again. once is enough.my wish right now is for that someone to talk to me again. cuz, i would have never hurt anyone on purpose. and i still see no reason why i should hurt anyone. all i want to do right now is to apologize. get down on my knees (as cliched as it sounds) in the middle of the road, if need be. i dont want to force you to accept it. but i need you to understand. understand how much this means to me. how much i want you to realize, that ive been hurting not because i want you to notice. but because, its the only way i see that i can punish myself for doing wadever i did. and to learn from my mistakes. its the only way i think, i can show how much this lesson means to me and how much i want to learn, make ammends and be the man i am supposed to be. give me this chance, please. right now, my life is like a how5songscollide mashup in loop. SHE SAYS: olivia ong's Sometimes When We Touch I SAY: rascal flat's What Hurts The Most I LIE TO MYSELF: Chris Daughtry's Over You I ADMIT: (who am i kidding?) The Script's The Man Who Can't Be Moved. and my friends say: Saosin's You're Not Alone. odd. just odd, thats all. and i remember, how that someone used a very very nice highschool musical song to tell that she had to go on her way. that i would be ok. sometimes, i wonder. did you really believe i would be okay. or did you only care for yourself. all i hope for, and it is this hope that keeps me living, is that just like in the movie, we will find our place in the world someday. and its funny. coz, just as how i convince myself im finally alright, that ill be okay, i tear open the wounds to see my heart break again, to see if i miss you. and its these times, half hating myself, half wishing you would be here to comfort me, reality strikes. how immature and childish i have been. how ive driven you away. lots of regrets, lots of tears. my only hope is that i will come out of this a stronger man. if not for you, for the people in my life. for myself, and for that one person waiting somewhere for me. as for now, i still maintain that i have already found her. i just need her to realize how much she means to me once again. to believe in love, its wonder and magic. its gonna take time. but. im gonna DROP EVERYTHING. she seems happier this way. :( if you go in with no expectations, you wont get disappointed. :) but yeah, from where i stand, the sky is greyer on the other side, and id rather be basked in your afterglow, long after you have gone. like recovering the pieces of a picture torn to shreds by a tornado, ill take my time to mend my heart. to remind myself of this moment in time. the mistakes ive made. the thoughts in my head, deluding me that i could do no wrong.its freeaking humbling!dear god, please give me strength. [Sometimes When We touch] You ask me if I love you And I choke on my reply Id rather hurt you honestly Than mislead you with a lie And who am I to judge you In what you say or do Im only just beginning To see the real you And sometimes when we touch The honestys too much And I have to close my eyes and hide I want to hold you till I die Till we both break down and cry I want to hold you till the fear in me subsides Romance and all its strategy Leaves me battling with my pride But through all the insecurity Some tenderness survives Im just another writer Still trapped within my truth A hesitant prize fighter Still trapped within my youth And sometimes when we touch The honestys too much And I have to close my eyes and hide I want to hold you till I die Till we both break down and cry I want to hold you till the fear in me subsides At times Id like to break you And drive you to your knees At times Id like to break through And hold you endlessly At times I understand you And I know how hard you try I watched while love commands you And Ive watched love pass you by At times I think were drifters Still searching for a friend A brother or a sister But then the passion flares again And sometimes when we touch The honestys too much And I have to close my eyes and hide I want to hold ya till I die Till we both break down and cry I want to hold you till the fear in me subsides Subsides [What Hurts The Most] I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house That don’t bother me I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while Even though going on with you gone still upsets me There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok But that’s not what gets me What hurts the most Was being so close And having so much to say And watching you walk away And never knowing What could have been And not seeing that loving you Is what I was tryin’ to do It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go But I’m doin’ It It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone Still Harder Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret But I know if I could do it over I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart That I left unspoken What hurts the most Was being so close And having so much to say And watching you walk away And never knowing What could have been And not seeing that loving you Is what I was tryin’ to do What hurts the most Was being so close And having so much to say And watching you walk away And never knowing What could have been And not seeing that loving you Is what I was tryin’ to do Not seeing that loving you That’s what I was trying to do [Over You] Now that it's all said and done, I can't believe you were the one To build me up and tear me down, Like an old abandoned house. What you said when you left Just left me cold and out of breath. I fell too far, was in way too deep. Guess I let you get the best of me. Well, I never saw it coming. I should've started running A long, long time ago. And I never thought I'd doubt you, I'm better off without you More than you, more than you know. I'm slowly getting closure. I guess it's really over. I'm finally getting better. And now I'm picking up the pieces. I'm spending all of these years Putting my heart back together. Cause the day I thought I'd never get through, I got over you. You took a hammer to these walls, Dragged the memories down the hall, Packed your bags and walked away. There was nothing I could say. And when you slammed the front door shut, A lot of others opened up, So did my eyes so I could see That you never were the best for me. Well, I never saw it coming. I should've started running A long, long time ago. And I never thought I'd doubt you, I'm better off without you More than you, more than you know. I'm slowly getting closure. I guess it's really over. I'm finally getting better. And now I'm picking up the pieces. I'm spending all of these years Putting my heart back together. Cause the day I thought I'd never get through, I got over you. Well, I never saw it coming. I should've started running A long, long time ago. And I never thought I'd doubt you, I'm better off without you More than you, more than you know. Well, I never saw it coming. I should've started running A long, long time ago. And I never thought I'd doubt you, I'm better off without you More than you, more than you know. I'm slowly getting closure. I guess it's really over. I'm finally getting better. And now I'm picking up the pieces. I'm spending all of these years Putting my heart back together. Well I'm putting my heart back together, Cause I got over you.Well I got over you. I got over you. Cause the day I thought I'd never get through, I got over you. [The Man Who Can't Be Moved] Going back to the corner where I first saw you, Gonna camp in my sleeping bag I'm not gonna move, Got some words on cardboard got your picture in my hand, Saying if you see this girl can you tell her where I am, Some try to hand me money they don't understand, I'm not...broke I'm just a broken hearted man, I know it makes no sense, but what else can I do, How can I move on when I'm still in love with you... Cos if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me, And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be, Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet, And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street. So I'm not moving... I'm not moving. Policeman says son you can't stay here, I said there's someone I'm waiting for if it's a day, a month, a year, Gotta stand my ground even if it rains or snows, If she changes her mind this is the first place she will go. Cos if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me, And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be, Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet, And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street. So I'm not moving... I'm not moving. I'm not moving... I'm not moving. People talk about the guy Who's waiting on a girl... There are no holes in his shoes But a big hole in his world... Hmmmm and maybe I'll get famous as man who can't be moved, And maybe you won't mean to but you'll see me on the news, And you'll come running to the corner... Cos you'll know it's just for you I'm the man who can't be moved I'm the man who can't be moved... Cos if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me, And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be, Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet, And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street. [Repeat in background] So I'm not moving... I'm not moving. I'm not moving... I'm not moving. Going back to the corner where I first saw you, Gonna camp in my sleeping bag and I'm not gonna move. [You're Not Alone] It's just like him To wander off in the evergreen park Slowly searching for any sign Of the ones he used to love. He says he's got nothing left to live for (He says he's got nothing left...) And this time I think you'll know.. You're not alone There is more to this, I know You can make it out You will live to tell She's just like him Spoiled rotten Confused by the lies she's been fed And she's searching for no one. (But herself) Her eyes turn to green and she seems to be happy That she is here And this time I think you'll know... You're not alone There is more to this, I know You can make it out You will live to tell You're not alone There is more to this, I know You can make it out (There is more to know) We're not alone There is more to this, I know You can make it out You will live to tell.. (So tell me) You're not alone There is more to this, I know You can make it out (Make it out) You will live to tell (Live to tell) You're not alone There is more to this, I know (And I know) You can make it out You will live to tell.. You are not alone. You're not, you're not alone sigh. beautiful isn't it? i've lost someone. someone who has no equal in my life. but i've gained lots of real friends. life is beautiful. and in the hardest of times, you learn beautiful lessons. but its what you make of it that counts. i still find myself asking this question tho, my sweet torment, where art thou? so what is your that one song?
ironic. suddenly, i found the need to blog. and blog and blog.well. today is special to me. i lost my grandmother 1 year ago to this day. back then, it was a friday and i just ended my last paper. this time round, im losing someone else. and ive got 1 more paper to go.only fools find for coincidence, similarity within all the changes. call me a fool then.but, the wounds are opened up again. i miss you, my sweet torment.
goodbye.
11/30/2008 01:37:00 pmgoodbye. sometimes, they say its a second chance. that you gotta learn to say goodbye before you can say hello again.well, it took alot from me to say that one word. you are free now. go.dont care about me. i will be okay. time will heal all wounds.
a reply.
11/30/2008 11:07:00 amim sorry. i really am. but, why are you so afraid? dont worry. i wish i can be there to tell you everything will be just fine. it will be. but, it seems that im the wrong person to tell you that right now. its scary how two people can have different perceptions of things. and, i can only standby what ive been telling myself time and time again. we really need to talk. really. i wont bite. its regretable that my persistance has caused so much problems in your life. but im torn between letting you go and letting you be happy and in the process, making myself be miserable or getting what i want and making you feel trapped in a cage. and somehow, the thin line i thread inbetween is just not enough.people say its neither of our faults. its just the way things are. as long as you dont communicate, its gonna get worse, wich each of you doing what you deem right for the other. i know you know what you are doing. and i know you know what you want. but. all im asking of you is to realize that i am still the same person deep down inside. for all the drama and for all that has been done, its my reflex, fighting back because from where i am, it feels like you hate me very bad. and that is what that hurts. you have your own reasons to do what you did. but can you blame me for misinterpreting? like you wipe the memories off so that it will be easier for you to cope. at the same time, i see it as if you are telling me something. it comes across as if i did something wrong and you are punishing me slowly. peeling off my soul bit by bit. and its only with great control of myself do i see the things the way they are supposed to be.i really hope you are reading this. i really do. there are many things i need to say. and i honestly believe it will clear everything and yes, we both can be happy again. but right now. i cant hide the pain as well as you. i thought i could, i always used to. but this time round, the hurt of losing you. no, the hurt of knowing that my actions made you do the things you did, its killing me. and it sucks that i see you everywhere i go. no, i am not stalking you. as much as im still in love with you, i respect you. perhaps my actions dont show it. but i really do. and sometimes, you need to do drastic things to show that. and in my position right now, what else can i do but follow your lead and wipe away all the evidence. i dont know when this game is going to end. but all i know is that you are a very special person. abd it hurts to see you this way. the first time i laid my eyes on you, i swore i wld nvr let anyone hurt you. and look, thats exactly what im doing right now. funny isnt it? ah, dont worry. no one bothers reading my blog anyway. im not as popular as you. friends? what friends? the day you left me, i realized who were my true friends and who were there just for the fun of it, to bask in our happiness and company. in anycase, this month has been terrible for me to. you aside, ive had family and well, problems everywhere, even on the water. but im not blaming you. i am strong. i will survive.sometimes, id look out of the window, see the moon and find myself hoping and praying. that all the way up there, in your own window, you too would be thinking bout me. not the things that have happened but of the good memories. of the past. see, thats the only reason i cant move on. because from where i am right now, the future is bleak. a winding, dark and lonely road meandering endlessly with a couple of lamps by the side to give light, give hope, only to take it all away with another bend and slope.there is nothing else i can say actually. i dont have energy. doesnt mean im going to give up. your friendship means more to me than anything else.and having read our past conversations over msn, i realized, the answers were there all along. SPACE. "if i dont like someone/ something he/she does i would prefer if the person leave me alone let time fades everything else and (: i will be alright again"i really hope that is true. because until that day comes, my days will be like nights and my nights will be long and gloomy... my sweet torment, where art thou?
time
11/30/2008 01:09:00 amtime. you are both my friend and enemy right now. its because of you, i hurt. and yet, its because of you i hope that the emotions in her will fade and things will be back to normal. my sweets, if you are reading this, im sorry for what ive done. im sorry for how things have turned out. but please, no matter what you do, dont leave my memory. its the only thing ive got left.
still stuck
11/30/2008 12:55:00 amyou can hide everything. erase the proof. but you will never remove the memories i hold dear. i may be nothing to you right now. seeing how in ur blog, u relegated me to a non-existant regret in your life. makes me wonder. how can two people who loved eachother so much, come to have such contrasting perspectives of their relationships?begs the question, for all the talk, it was me wasnt it? the tears flow effortlessly. your tongue pierces my heart like a rapier. my dearest, i can only regret that things turned out this way. and i can only hope time will heal everything. i tried very hard to make ammends, to make you see how much you meant to me. but, its as if i distanced you away from me. how will i ever let you see my side of the story? because i will forever hurt, chasing your scent, collecting every ounce before your memory fades away long after you have gone away.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
down on my knees
11/27/2008 09:51:00 pmthere is only so much a man can take. and today, for the first time in my entire life, i just broke down and cried. i always thought it was girls that did that. and for a guy to collapse, it hasta take something big. super big. i tink i just hit a brick wall. where are you, my sweet torment? i really need you here. i dig deep to find the strength to carry on. but im hurt bad. bruised and wounded. like on the battle ground. no amount of painkillers can help. at the very best, they numb the pain. but the wounds still bleed and ill die eventually. no, i wont resort to suicide. im no coward. ill fight. and ill die fighting.its funny, i realized i forgot the man i used to be. fearless, and stoic. going into conflicts outnumbered (well, i had my baton and gun, but u get my drift la).but now, ive been brought down to size.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
still emoing.
11/25/2008 06:23:00 pmsometimes i hope ure reading this. it would make things alot better. i dont kno why it still hurts. i juz checked our wall-to-wall on facebook. u deleted more stuff from there. it hurts. am i hurting you so much? please tell me. cuz. im hurting myself thinking about it. ive been trying really hard to give you what you want. but its taking alot out of me. sometimes, it gets unbearable. and i cant turn to you. i appear weak and hopeless in the eyes of my friends. and this does not make the situation better. hate myself for it. there are manythings i wanna say to you. but right now, im willing to forgo everything. cuz there's no point in dwelling in the past. i want to move on from here. and i want to move on with you. i really really miss you and i hate that you treat me this way. the times when i try to contact you, its cuz im confused and i hurt bad. im torn between something i dearly want and miss and in seeing you be happy. if im not the guy for you, i guess, i got to suck it up and move on. cuz the way things are now, i dont think anyone would want me. i cant help but keep apologizing. and hope i wont repeat my mistakes. i need your faith in me for that. could you find it in yourself? for me? please?
Sunday, November 23, 2008
lost everything
11/23/2008 11:14:00 ami stand here, a new man. not one to be proud of. rather, im ashamed, torn and dejected. i sense a cycle starting. uve got a high point in life, things go ur way. uve got lots of friends and admirers, u find that special someone. ure strong. or are you?its only in testing times do you see your true worth. your character is put under fire and it takes pure mental fortitude to come out unscathed.i always thought i was doing the right thing. that cuz i kept thinking before acting, i should be safe. but for all my arrogance, i countered the turn too much and i hit the wall on the other side. i lost her. firstly. i achieved something i swore never to do the moment i laid my eyes on her. i hurt her. she doesnt want anything to do with me now. its obvious. i see her everywhere i go. literally. but its as if im invisible. a while ago, she was adamant that she wanted to come down to support me in the race that meant more to me than she herself. and look at the situation now. she wouldnt even wish me good luck. do i deserve it? yeah. probably. i was stupid and ignorant. hurting someone without realizing is a bigger crime than if u were to hurt her on purpose. atleast in that case, u kno where u went wrong or u kno wad ure doing, so u can make ammends if need be. one month down, i realize my mistakes. but i also find myself repeating them. so ive decided. to truly get back what i want, i relli needa learn to let go. odd. ive been hurt super bad. nvr felt this way before. its like pain and fear of being lonely twined with a deep sense of yearning and lost, sugarcoated with the memories which now seem so distant. it feels as if youve died. like i killed you. that is one regret i will never overcome. maybe ill nvr love again. a farfetched conclusion. but. fuck it la. no hurt is this worth it. unless i can have you back. am i a fool? perhaps. oh, and wen i tot the world cant get any more cruel, guess what. boat B got eliminated today. they were supposed to get a good comfortable race and make it into e finals. BUT. sdba changed their line-up. the semis became a finals. the boys were devastated. they werent psyched up enough. can u blame them? dragonboating is about the mental. everyone is equally strong. its about how ure gonna overcome ur physical state. convince urself that u can go that extra inch when ur body simply refuses to move. oh well. sacrifices. sometimes, they are worth it. WHAT AM I TO DO NOW? ive lost on two fronts. i dont want to die on this last battle. i wish you would be here, to tell me like you used to, to reassure me that everything is gonna be ok. i kno ill be alright. but. i cant go through this much alone. it feels like u lied to me. u said u wd be there for me as a friend. well, friends dont abandon their friends. ok, ive done stuff.. but its not like im not aware or remourseful wad. i cry, drean abd waste my study time thinking of this. and the stupidest thing? i held your picture close to my heart as i was psyching up for my race yesterday. thats how much u mean to me. cant understand why u dun see things my way. do i deserve this? all i did was love you. alittle too much perhaps. i was happy with wad i got in return. all i asked was to see ur smile. was that too much? apparently, yes. they say time will heal all wounds. one thing is for sure, my scar will remain till the day i die. i will never forget you. i will never hate you. i can never be angry, cuz i understand. u had to do those things you did. for yourself. my only regret was that you forgot bout me. u said i wld be ok. u even quoted that song. i fell for it. i believed you. then you said im not the guy for you. u said lots of harsh stuff. maybe my persistance wen u wanted to be free, drove u to say those things. but they hurt. i nvr raised my voice on you. i nvr dared use any vulgar or hurtful words too. but these words coming from you, please dont do it to any other guy. kristie says im strong. and i took it well enough. i toyed with suicide. heh. no, im not that weak. its juz that, the thought flashed tru my mind. and i was wondering. when push comes to shove, is this a worthit situation for suicide. maybe. if u cant see how much u mean to me. i gotta do somethhng to tell u that. something to separate myself from all the other guys out there who use clicke and want their baby back. i am not like them. because, im yours. i was yours. in anycase, i see that you are happy. like ure genuinely smiling. oddly, u nvr smiled that way wen u were with me. things were all serious. heartfelt and sweet. but nothing haha funny, im enjoying myself kind. sighs. i failed. failed big time. what do i do next? its like, i cant go to anyone right now. cuz i tink they are sianded by me. like im the bad guy now. maybe i am. kristen tells me to just forget it. life sucks. deal with it. aie. its easier said than done. do i look like i enjoy being hurt? erm, i tot i did. cuz im hurt by an angel. ah crap. cheesiness. i miss you.