this area is so dark,
you can't see what's in it.

June 2004
July 2004
August 2004
September 2004
October 2004
November 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
February 2006
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June 2006
August 2006
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April 2007
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January 2008
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August 2009
September 2009
October 2009
December 2009
January 2010
February 2010
September 2010

i don't have friends.

dear you, i spilled my heart out for you to read.
handle it with care. love, me.

6/19/2005 07:30:00 pm

6/19/2005 01:12:00 pm

my future car. cheh. haha.

6/19/2005 01:10:00 pm

the drill demo squad.

6/19/2005 01:09:00 pm

last dojo lesson. P.O.P soon!

6/19/2005 01:08:00 pm

cumshot. haha. khamsya. look at e drool

6/19/2005 01:06:00 pm

falling in... sq 11 style- slack ah.

6/19/2005 01:05:00 pm

fatigue time... its slacking time. haha.

6/19/2005 01:04:00 pm

confinement week. haha. damn shacked.

6/19/2005 01:01:00 pm

mangkuk.. 1st walkout weekend.

6/19/2005 12:57:00 pm

don't move or i'll shoot. haha.

no ob again.

6/19/2005 08:52:00 am

damnit. went back 2 tracom 2 do my ob duty juz now. fuck ah. woke up so early n stuff... paid $10 for e taxi... all for nothing. haha. yep. went 2 alpha coy. den e sq 10 firdaus was there. he kena punnish. so i told him tt since i did friday, he take over me... considering he too got punished for god noes wad... so i left ah.

oh yea, still cldnt find my phone hands free. damn. looks like i gotta go buy new ones. man how my money slips off my hands. haiz.

snapped (finally)

6/19/2005 01:40:00 am

haiz. tink ive had it enuff. damnit. no more mister nice guy. fuck it. i hate being stepped on. i hate giving up seats to old ladies and opening doors for girls. heck it. from now on, its me against the world. got a problem? go tell ur mom.

Saturday, June 18, 2005

too lazy to title

6/18/2005 11:38:00 pm

my only day of freedom tis wk. haha. coz of bloody ob 2mrw. man, sometimes i wish why i cant keep my big mouth shut. ohh well, i hope i learn from this e hard way and try to use tt cavity on my face less.

mornin reached home frm fri's ob duty den went to bed straight... actually fell asleep on e couch. oni 2 b waken up by my 7 yr old cousin to watch pokemon. haha. long time nvr watch it ready. later arnd noon he was harassingly forcing me 2 play soccer. i tis wk like sianz of playing soccer ready. so had 2 bribe him off by going 2 macdonalds instead.

got home 2 see every one dressed and ready 2 go somewhere. heck, i was like nt paying attention wen my bro said they were goin 2 changi airport. tot goin 2 eat lunch or smtin. ended up they all going 2 thailand. haha. upset dok. so i guess 2mrw i kena take cab again ah. haiz.

nick n jon called me later on 2 go town. hahaz. so i got smtin 2 do after all 2dy. jon oreadi at borders so i took a cab there. went via holland v. heh. surprised tt e fare was below $10.

cheh, innotrek deposited my cheque ready... but i didnt noe... so was kinda surprised tt i had more cash 2 burn 2dy. wanted 2 get e hillary duff metamorphosis but borders didnt haf. heh...

chilled to far east where i got tis 'taking back sunday' shirt for like $35. heh. kinda expensive for a black shirt wif 16 characters and 2 bold red lines on it. kinda snug fitting too. haha. juz hope i dun regret ah.

met nick at e bk there. he actually went 2 e wrong bk- wen me n jon had speficly said far east bk. slacked summore b4 went 2 pac plaza. got a rip curl tis time... another $35 black tee. but tus time e print was a more vibrant blue. hahaz. fell in love wif it on first sight. it was way better den e pink/black one i saw last yr. heck, tt shirt was still on display.

went 2 borders again 2 meet e crew ( a name jon gave e clubbing guys- khai, fahmi, rafie...). they were goin chocolatte. called me along... but i got ob goddammit! so instead went 2 cine 2 finish up some arcade tokens nick had left. but we kinda ended up talking n looking at some chicks playing air hockey. oh man. haha. tnx for pointing out her short skirt man. lol.

played until dody n gerald came. asses. high fliers sia all of em. one in navy e other in air force... man i gotta get into oct. lol.

on e way back met neil. ha. took 106 den talked crap ah. fuck man. i hate crowded busses.

corporal ke pe?

6/18/2005 04:03:00 pm

Sunday

sentry today. ok ah. nt bad... since e police carnival was still on. was pretty fun. lots of chio bus. hahaz. some even flirting wif e guys on duty. i had one when tis eurasian chick and her frenz came 2 me at e back gate 2 ask where e shuttle bus would be wen in fact, there was a sign tellin all e info they needed nest to me. hahaz. den got dis one malay chick in her hyundai (heck, she had so much make up on.) askin where to park. i told her 2 go one rnd arnd mt pleasant rd den go into e main gate. heck. she came back 2 say tnkz. haha. wth? at night went prowling. had some fun takin pics of e monster truck n e new subaru police car. haha.

Monday

slept in till 1pm. tot cld cabut drill. haha. but nt tt lucky. actually managed 2 sit out of practice 4 a while. had 2 sit wif douglas. den he was all along tellin me bout e hypocracies in e sqd. funny how diff ppl haf diff views eh?

wen eagle got kicked out coz of his problems in marching, fi told me 2 take over. damn. haha. now kena march. haiz. i was kinda sianz coz juz b4 i came in e sqd kena do 100 push ups. luckily after i came in did no more. cheh. haha.

Tuesday

fucked up day. haha. why? coz i juz got myself CONFINED!! coz i shouted ****** juz as e new enlistee's parents, e coy comm and some SSI were downstairs. haha. too late. e coy comm came up den made me do finger pushups. den e whole sqd kena push up position down 4 20 mins.

whole sqd morale went down. esp since we tot tt fi wld kill us. haha. phew... he didnt. jz told us 2 forget everytin n concentrate one e performance. okaey... it went smoothly. hahaz. finally! it was over! after e whole enlistment tingy, fi called us down 2 eat e buffet n scan for chicks. well, kinda upset coz nt much eye candy. hahaz. wth? cant complain. im confined.

Wedneday

another shot into e foot. tis time by sa'eed. he called out ''90-45'' as e provost officers were marching past. e officers confronted him n he, well, talked back. at e mess, e officers called him into e office 2 talk wif e mess oc. den even called fi raj. shit man. here goes a good night. as expected, fi was pissed. brought us down 2 e coy line den made us ''crawl'' all e way to e mess sayin '' we will noe how 2 behave''. den made sa'eed apologise. case closed. not! sa'eed cldnt keep his mth closed. had 2 fight his innocence. now he complained tt e provost had shouted 2 him 2 stand at sedia (which was kinda true). had 2 run back 2 e oct block. fi called out e 4 officers n had a sort of ''chat'' wif em. ended kinda touchingly wif e 5 guys apologising n stuff. oh n im oni 2 do sunday OB wif sa'eed. haha. phew. lol. wen it was all over, still had time 2 watch madagascar. lame movie. watch a million times oso still will wanna watch it.

Thursday

soccer 2dy was fuckin upsetting. lost like hell. den no more mood 2 play. ahh. lesson oso cancelled. actually, there was no substitute. damn. were gonna fail!

Friday

doin ob 2dy. but in e mornin went 2 e old drill shed 2 do ippt retest. oh man. relli had no confidence commin in coz my leg hurt bad. i had taken 3 painkiller pills (wif an empty stomach n flushed it down wif coke! gasp. suicide!) so i was hoping. here was my ticket to a corporal rank, npco and e free lisence. failed standing broad jump so i had 2 re do tt. oh man. tried 5 times... cldnt pass e 216 mark. fi was pretty encouraging... did help. but hahaz, finally he scolded at me n kinda demoralised me. den i jumped n passed (amid much jubilation of my sqd mates). haha thanked all of em going round receiving high fives. hahaz. damn happy. but den reality struck a while later. my 2.4 was 10.21 min. heck... shldnt haf slacked. if i knew i cld pass, id haf gone 4 a silver or gold.

after tt took over ob duty. polished one boot (for P.O.P) till like mirror... spending 6hrs. e night went by slowly... jonathan came in often 2 play arnd wif us. we tried 2 scare ting feng wen he went 2 e toilet. but in e end, he went 2 e gymnasium toilet... den went back 2 e ob n locked us out.

Saturday, June 11, 2005

police week carnival

6/11/2005 09:30:00 pm

part one of my burnt weekend is over. started out slow. actually. i wanted it to go slow. relli had no mood 2 go back. oh man, relli appreciate every single minute i spend at home nowadays. hahakz. went dere at 1 by taxi... pretty much reluctantly.
duty was at cjc carpark... pretty slack ah. 11 guys 2 look after e small park? haha. so it was 1/2 work e other 1/2 rest... shifts per 11/2 hr. started wif rest. eugene told us his past stories. haha. tis guy is a real smart troublemaker. last time he purposely called 999 20 times. haha. den in pri skool, he would push one kid into e pond everyday. he didnt buy workbooks coz he either slept in class or was walking arnd. e principal blacklisted him. even wen he came back 2 visit in sec 2, e principal chased him n his frenz away. haha.
wen doin duty, simply slack at e middle of e carpark. supposed 2 direct e vehicles 2 slots but we figured they knew where to go ah. after tt went back 2 tracom wif hakim. took a shower den went to e carnival 4 a while. haha. so many chio bus. lol. ok ah. even took some pics.
wen went back 2 do nect shift, was talking wif jovan (e 2nd D.O.) wen SI jaffrey came. he heard us talk bout me havin sentry 2mrw. so he let me go off at 1930!! haha. went back 2 bunk n changed n went off. in e taxi den i realised tt i left my belt behind! ahh! haha. 2mrw die ah. ohh well, atleast get 2 skip monday's drills.

its over

6/11/2005 08:31:00 pm

got back to where i was to see its now a different place
confronted all the people i didnt want to face
why wont they leave me alone
why cant i just stand alone

what am i doing here, what's my goal?
it's me against the messed up voices in my brain
like i just missed the last train
im left standing, the silence deafening

i'm lost and confused
left stranded and feeling stupid
why did i come back when i knew it was no use?
lightning don't strike twice, neither does cupid

snorting some coke and sniffing some glue
seriously considering making the next dose a triple
i cant quit doing these things
neither can i forget you

going beserk, i scratch your name on the wall
over and over, like a broken record player
reality strikes hard, i begin to fall
kneeling down in dejection, i realise... its over

girl's 1st time

6/11/2005 10:26:00 am

It's your first time.
As you lie back your muscles tighten.
You put himoff for a while searching for an excuse,
but he;refuses to be swayed as heapproaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and youshake your head bravely.
He has had more experience,
but it's the firsttime his finger has foundthe right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver;
your body tenses;
but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes
and tells you to trust him - he's done this manytimes before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him;
more room for an easyentrance.
You begin to plead and beg him to hurry,
but he slowly takes his time,
wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.
As he presses; closer, going deeper,
you feel the tissue giveway;
pain surges throughout your body
and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.
He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful.
Your eyes arefilled with tears but you shake your head and nod
for him to go on.
He begins going in and out with skill but you are
now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you
and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over.
He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle;
that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist.
After all,it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
Naughty, Naughty... What were you thinkin?

Friday, June 10, 2005

one more week down.

6/10/2005 08:38:00 pm

Sunday
bookin in was e same old story. fucked up. oh well. at least i noe 1 more week is gonna go by pretty soon.
Monday
1st lesson was PT. wat a great way 2 start e week man. heh. luckily, FI tony took us instead. den oni did warm-up. after tt he talked wif us until raj took us. funny... raj seemed a little bit too friendly towards us. he told us tt we're e drill demo squad again. supposed 2 perform on e prepcourse direct enlistment day. throughout e prac, he didnt even pump us sua! haha. and 2 tink he made e guys do 20 diamonds 4 e slightest mistakes last time round. e mess was screening 'shutter' at night. lesson was cancelled so relli wanted 2 go n watch. but damnit, had drill prac again at night.
Tuesday
lesson was taken over by SSS karen. this old(?) lady with a great body. haha. im serius. she was e same bitch tt shouted at our sqd e other day and on e day of e mid-terms, she told us off for not using pencils... now she was nice towards us? haha. tink she changed her impression. after lesson, she brought us 2 e sports shop. there was much hype so we wanted 2 check it out on our own. total upset. it was more like some budget queensway shop ah.
Wednesday
finally was my turn 2 do e PDT test. found out tt i passed e theory test. passed e practical too. so no more DOJO! haha.
FI was still in a cheery mood. had drill lesson at night. damn slack as usual(?) but it ended past lights off. what telah happen 2 my FI? has he been brainwashed by aliens? he is eerily too friendly. ohh well, enjoy tis while it lasts ah.
Thursday
same usual shit, diff day. but e funniest thing happened 2dy. we were slacking at e corridor wen we heard someone scream. it was more like a shrill and it came from e toilet. as khamsya said, "sial ah, some one balls kena squeeze ah?"
found out tt it was jonathan... his handfone had fallen into e toilet bowl... in his crap n all. he picked it up, juz how i dunno
Friday
IPPT day. haha. i passed my chin-ups! woot. but failed standing broad jump. damnit. hahaz. so i got 1 more wk 2 train b4 i can kiss my corporal bye-bye. haiz.
one more drill prac b4 book out (law was cancelled). e routine was changed again. fuck! haha.
on e way home, at coy line, FI saw tt cj's bed was out of place. he held us back till it was put right. den while marching he purposely made us do kebelakang pusing. wth? even made us sing e crappy 'nigger' song

Sunday, June 05, 2005

spurr of e moment kinda poem. crap.

6/05/2005 04:43:00 pm

There is a girl that I know who lies on hot coal
knowing she should burn but complains she’s cold

She’s the girl who fell in love with a boy
Says the heart brakes easier when he’s 300 miles away

I told her she is the bad love song on the radio
The one that keeps playing, always when I want to forget

But she shook her head laughing, Saying “Loves songs
Will consume me but they’ll never set me free”

To me she’s my love song, but to her
She’s a supporting actress in her best friend’s soap opera

If I ask her and she’ll tell me, she’ll close her door
Leave her bedroom windows open, waiting for me to find a way in

She won’t admit that I love her, she sees me as her best friend
But she keeps telling me, and I don’t want to listen

That she’s in love with a friend
When I ask why she won’t go for it with him

She’ll whisper in the phone to tell me a secret
“I’m with him now the way I want him."

what is me?

6/05/2005 04:38:00 pm

i viewed myself through a mirror,
and saw a light shimmering.
not good, not bad,
maybe neutral,
run by pure fury,
hiding deep beneath my eyes,
that isn't known to anyone at all.
in this place nothing matters,
only this light that has survived,
when everything else was cold.
no shock bothers it,
no darkness distinguishes it,
no glare stops it,
it's alive...
it's me,
this extraordinary side of me,
the question is what am I?

Saturday, June 04, 2005

back 2 skool

6/04/2005 11:43:00 pm

went back 2 jjc 2dy. haha. after like 3mths. lots has changed. no more container rooms sia. wat telah happen?
took my a lvl cert. man, it looked good. but i guess it cld haf been nicer. A B C D. haiz. ohh well.
played soccer wif e police guys of jj and e arts guys. woo, i scored a goal. a solo effort. haha. exactly wat i needed. dribbling 3/4 of e 'd' n placing e ball in e net. haha.
den we went 2 my kampung 2 eat, another ting i hadnt done in a long time. man e food there is simply superb. decided 2 go watch e soccer match at kallang btw singapore n malaysia.
dunno wat got into me but i invited my mortal enemy- my brother along. aack! wat was i doing. ohh well, wat goes arnd muz come around... i hope.
e atmosphere was kinda lacking. 18000 ppl. less den a hundred malaysians including my cousin, who had 2 endure much of our slurrs. there was this malay aunty who throughout e match was pretty much animated as she kept hurling curses as tho she was some avid soccer punter. haha. even her child didnt prevent her from 'enjoyin' e match. heck, i learned quite a few new words.
e match was kinda exciting but i was more distracted by e 'attack of the moths' tt was playin out simultaneously at e stadium. no, it wasnt a new movie. or a documentry. id say it was e moth mating season. a million? i dunno... seems a fair estimate had gathered arnd e 4 towering floodlights. some creeps even decided 2 divebomb at e spectators. literally falling down frm e sky as if in a trance after mating or getting electrocuted. damn. almost made us leave e stadium at 90mins. luckily, sadiq n me bro talked us out of it. or we wldnt haf seen e 2nd goal.
singapore has improved as a soccering nation. 2010 looks less of a dream. hmm, were gonna be 24 by then... who noes...
on e way back 2 kallang, saw an accident involving 2 taxis n 2 mercedes, a pile up. haha. stopped 2 take pics... haha. den saw muhammad who actually saw it happen.
got home by taxi. wierd, i was pretty generous today. gasp. ive been brain washed!
reached home den took a little nap b4 i was woken up by my bro to go midnight shopping. haha. fun. saw a ferari n lamborghini. lots of chicks too.

Friday, June 03, 2005

another week down

6/03/2005 11:03:00 pm

Sunday

to treasure somethin, u 1st haf 2 loose it. yea... most of e time, u realise this wen its 2 late. learn it e hard way, i guess. juz recently, heck, today even, a squad mate of mine passed away. abang rib-to-the-bone Zul met wif an accident at arnd 1 pm as he was on his way 2 a wedding at teban gardens. apparently, he was released 4rm duties earlier in e mornin ( he was supposed 2 remain on duty 4 some charity shit till 4 in e evenin) and oc told him 2 go back 2 relax. so he took e opportunity 2 go 2 e weddin. sigh. this dude is a real hell rider. a pro biker. but i guess, like my uncle, overcofidence killed him. he was tryin 2 catch up wif e gang wen he hit a truck. he got pinned underneath n died instantly.

i received a call at 1.30 frm sa'eed tellin me wat happened. kinda surreal actually. didnt belief a word... then again, tts how it is wen u hear news u dun wanna hear.

reality struck a chord wen i booked in at night. e once happy-go-lucky squad11 was damn sober and quiet. no one was in a mood for any crap or fun 4 tt matter.

at roll call, we were e 1st there. i didnt want 2 fall in. id rather sit down against a pole looking dejected. herrizad 4rm sq 10 helped me up n comforted me. damnit. zul was our best member. e senang hati guy who always scans e mess for e regulars. e guy who made famous e 'love eh' phrase.

at night, we had a little prayer n rememberance tingy. e alpha squads even gave some condolence money.

so i guess i gotta give a thanks shout out 2 all e ppl who sent their condolences in any means and all e friends who gave comfort 2 me n my squadmates during this tryin time.

e hardest pt of it all was us constantly reminded tt life has to go on. tt we haf 2 forget it happened, heads up.

Monday

e day started as how yesterday ended. yep. solemn n with thoughts making the air heavy. PDT was cut short as we had 2 attend e funeral. wen we came back, oc came 2 meet us. his words proved 2 b a tear-jerker. wat he said was infact vndicated by e newspaper report on zul. his's mom had said tt zul's dad had bought some biscuits n stuff 4 him 2 bring 2 camp. but it was sufficient 4 a few ppl. so he asked 4 more as he wanted 2 share e lot wif us wen he booked in. but he passed on b4 he could share it wif us. his mom had passed us e stuff wen we went visiting. emotionally, tt was juz priceless. to realise how much e squad has bonded. in oc's words, we are now and forever an incomplete jigsaw puzzle.

Tuesday

drill test 2dy. haha upset ah. i did a total suicide wen it came 2 my turn. heck, put it simply, i screwded up. dun wanna elaborate. nuff said. but i did pass tho. lol.

Wednesday

PDT was super fun 2dy. haha. had sparring, n well, it was fun. i had 2 sparr wif jonathan. tt idiot whacked my thigh wif e t-baton. ouch. yea, hurt like fuck.

later on we played soccer wif e fis. i was in e fi team. damn, leg pain oso still had 2 play striker. upset man, didnt score a goal. back 2 square 1 id say.

Thursday

PDP was finally here. my duty 2dy was 2 guard chij sec skool. haha. chio bus. lol. well, on oversight, i kinda 4got tt it was e hols. so, damn. lesser girls in skool. i was supposed 2 stand at e gate n block entry 2 those who were nt staff or didnt haf e chij pdp coupon. kinda borin ah e 1st shift. heck. e parade was 2 start at 6. who would come at 8 in e mornin?

i decided 2 play a little game... actually, it came out by accident. ok picture this- i was standing in full uniform with reflective vest infront of e side gate, adjacent e main road. there was a bus lane. yep. cars started 2 filter out of tt lane upon seein me. haha. some even raised their hands 2wards me in sign of apology. haha. i noticed tt oni e female drivers passed along wifout changin lanes. i figured tt they didnt noe e rule. but there was this one lady who approached me (wen i had changed wif khamsya to the front gate) 2 ask if she would b booked coz she saw 'another' officer juznow taking down her plate no. as she passed in e bus lane. haha.

oh, i saw this one super chio chick. haha, hands down miss universe material.

came back 2 c tt fi had written on sq 15 board tt sq11 was confined for 3 wks. what? yea. called him n made clarifications. yep. it was supposed 2 b sq15. phew. fi was in a pretty funny mood 2dy. he even brought in food 4 us n told us to finish it all up. heh. like we wouldnt.

received bad news... i haf sentry duty next sunday. damn.

Friday

anoher game of soccer. but this time my leg hurt bad. so i didnt play much. heck, i played for wat? 2 mins? e super loser team. lost. i made 1 save but my defence let me down.

in other news, book out was pretty flawless. haha.