Ŧẅїļїğħť.Ρøøľ

liverpool, loserpool.

2010-09-20T01:04:00.001+08:00

i've got no friends.

irony of dying on your birthday

2010-02-22T02:51:00.002+08:00

when i pop by to visit a blog, sometimes i wonder if the posts are dedicated to me.

on a side note, i feel like a baby boy who's lost his favourite blanket.

im not gonna cry. im just gonna wait. wait and wait till someone returns it to me. hopefully.
or maybe i should go and look for it. yeah. but, im afraid of leaving my cot. ):

friends?

2010-02-11T08:35:00.003+08:00

tell me why am i so affected?
tell me why, everytime you apologize, i die a little inside?
tell me, do you see me?

tell me, am i just thinking too much?

YES. just shut up already. WAKE UP!

jeanette says ive changed. my self-esteem has dropped by alot. im more emo now.
honestly, i wonder why.

and its as if the harder you try, the harder it gets.

history its repeating itself.

help me.

Dear you...

2010-01-23T21:29:00.001+08:00

Dear you.

I have known you for almost 3 years now. And for 2 of them I have been in love with you. I love how you always can make me smile, or cheer me up when I’m sad or down, or how you can make a joke only I will understand. I love how you’ll tell me secrets that no one is supposed to know, or how you can tell a story from your day and somewhat make me feel like I was there.

I wish I could tell you how you make me feel. That every time someone says your name, even if they talk about another person, there is a thump in my stomach. Or that when you call me, or we talk on the phone, and you beg me not to hang up, my heart speeds up and I smile. Or that when you hold my hand in the dark, drunk as you were, I never wanted to let go. Or that when you tell me, drunk again, how happy you are that you have me, and how kind I always am, I want to tell you how I feel. I really wish I could tell you.

I want you to know that I often look for you at school. You might not notice, but sometimes I do. I try to talk to you when I see you, or at least show you that I’m there and want your attention. I really just want to talk to you more, like we used to. A few years ago I think you might have been my best friend. I still want that. I want to be able to watch movies like we did. Scary ones, so I could sit closer to you, or sometimes even hold your hand. And you were holding mine.

I wish I could tell you all this, and that you would feel the same, but I think I’ll never be able to. I’m too scared to loose you, to lose the friendship we have. But maybe some day I’ll be able to risk it. Just to have a chance of being with you. Maybe one day I finally will. Or you will.

I wish I could be only yours,

-M

am i really better?

2010-01-01T03:11:00.002+08:00

in a span of just 24 hours, four different people have commented good things about me. i am honestly flattered. but, do i deserve this praise?

sometimes...

2009-12-26T01:45:00.002+08:00

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work or at school when you've made up your mind that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

Have you ever walked down the street and realised that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. Try not to type the word "Regards" again in an email.

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing SEGA and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet back then to turn to. Today's kids are weak.

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realise I had no idea what the fuck was going on when I first saw it.

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's definitely watching and laughing at the right parts.

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

How many times is it appropriate to say "Huh?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a moron from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

While riding yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it... thanks Mario Kart.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories.

Is it just me or do secondary/jc girls get sluttier and sluttier every year?

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart or get new players.

As a driver I hate pedestrians and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists. and taxi drivers.

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

Why is a school zone 40km/h? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for paedophiles...

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phones etc, but I bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time...

I wonder if the traffic police ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

weirdings.

2009-12-24T23:10:00.000+08:00

slept on a bench the first night, feeling vulnerable and alone. really like some homeless person,except with 1000 usd in my pocket. woke up once in a while just to make sure my belongings were still there. woke up again every few other minutes cuz it got cold. walked around alone in places i had nary a clue where i was. had maps but just refused to use them, relying instead on my powerful (awful) memory instead. cold, and in a foreign land. my only proper canto was 'fuck your mother' back in macau with the dragonboaters. found the hotel. god. hongkong roads are scary. horns blaring every few seconds. you got no clue who sounded it or where danger was.

If you know where you want to go, you have a better chance of getting there

2009-12-22T10:21:00.000+08:00

'We can never discover new continents until we have the courage to lose sight of all coasts'
-Andre Gide

put yourself in a new place to find how the old you sticks out.

40 mins to results! omgg.

culture.

2009-12-22T01:00:00.000+08:00

we are all the same. we all have two eyes, two lungs, one heart. yet while we may have obvious physical differences in terms of skin colour or penis size/length, our greatest difference is something unseen: culture.

ever heard of a stare fight in a vietnamse club?

and if you thought singaporeans are a unapproachable lot, with obvious issues, you have have to meet hong kongers. their taxi drivers are x10 worse than our comfort cabbies. goodness.

amidst this, a familiar face makes life better. (:

autophobia.

2009-12-11T16:22:00.002+08:00

i realize ive got autophobia. maybe its me. wait, it IS me. i fear being alone. i fear being invisible. and this fear, this fear has caused me to lose all the most precious things in my life, the people i hold so dear, they have... fear has manifested into physical pain. i gotta do something to curb this slide. and what better way than to go it cold turkey. short of doing a solitary confinement, im going away. 2 weeks, 5919 km by foot and motor. one backpack, one laptop, some cash, and my shoes (which ive yet to buy cuz some ahtiong koped my damn cui newbalance)

oh, and by the way, this is not a suicide note, its a farewell. wait. no. its just to say that im going on a trip. so if i don't pick up calls, or don't attend training, it's cuz im not in singapore!

have got no clue where i am going. have got no clue when ill be back. (read: maybe new year's eve, maybe never) but one thing is for sure, im not returning until ive found myself once again; the boy who is random, and fun, not so emo and summed up on my FRIENDSTER 'about me' as being awesome inside and outside, the one your boyfriend is afraid of. the honest, the sometimes serious, all the time chivalrous, the confident all-round nice guy. not some poser hiding behind the veneer.
and when i find this boy, i have to convince him he is me, deep down inside. and i'll only be back when i find this boy. when im a different person.

the planetary alignments are skewed. it is in the stars. the world is coming to an end.
ps, on all the bus rides and while waiting to transit, i'm gonna try to write down all that has happened to me. nah, not gonna publish it. yet.

there are many people in this world i look up to, there are many i respect. not all of them are famous figures. i'm not talking about martin luther king or ghandi or even the prophet. these three people are friends of mine. these three of them, i MAY meet along the way. you know who you are. and this is a tribute to all of you.
all of you hold characteristics that i envy. ideals that i strive for. you three are friends who i honestly and sincerely hope to never lose.

one is not afraid of what others see. he lives for himself, does new things, pushes the limits. he is a champion. a true athlete. and most importantly, he is more of a brother than anyone else can be. he speaks his mind, often is hated by others for being a deviant. but my question to the great wide world, do you conform to the norms just so you can fit in? don't you have your own principles and mores that you hold on strongly to? those who matter won't care and those who care don't matter.
he has thought me one very important life lesson; how much effort do you put into a friendship? are you superficial, do you even know your friend's chinese name? how close are you to a person to truly be worthy of calling him a brother, or her, a buddy?

the second person, he is a legend. he has thought me that you only live once. if you don't live life to the fullest, you will live it to regret all the chances that you have lost. when you are young, that's when you have the best opportunity to learn new things, a new instrument, a new language, new skills. how bout juggling, or unicycling? people's perceptions should not prevent you from being who you are. embrace yourself. like yourself.

and the final person, probably the most dearest - a very close friend. someone who is stronger than anyone else i know (but at the same time perhaps one of the smallest physically). patient, very patient. well loved by friends, admired by random people. warm, and always there for people despite whatever may be going on in your heart and mind. i owe you a lot.

maybe i am selfish to want to leech off your personality, admitting along the way that i don't have a backbone of my own.

well, i hope our paths cross, and see you all when/if i see you.

flowers.

2009-10-16T00:58:00.004+08:00

when you give someone flowers, how much thought and effort do you put into the process?

do you consider the person's preferences?

do you consider your own preferences?

or do you really read into the meanings associated with the type of flower, its colour and quantity?

the cliche rose, flower of choice of many, and aptly, it symbolizes love.

below is a list of symbolic meanings attached to a certain type of rose.
my personal favourite is the pink rose. well, my favourite flower is jasmine tho. i guess i got it from my grandmother - the most important woman in my life.

Rose Red - I Love You
Rose Pink - Happiness
Rose Yellow - Friendship
Rose White Innocence or Purity
Orange Rose - Pride, Desire
Rose White - Innocence and Purity, I am Worthy of You
Rosebud Red - Pure and Lovely
Lavender Rose - Opulence
Black Rose - Rebirth, New Beginnings
Blue Rose - Impossible, Unattainable

Blue roses exist in fantasy but not in nature. The blue rose symbolizes the unattainable or impossible which won't make it a good choice to give someone you would like to maintain a relationship with anyway. nice.

and the wrappings, the accompanying flowers and all that jazz, do you simply let the florist decide, or do you choose baby's breath because you know it symbolizes 'a delicate touch' as if to be the icing on the cake...

hmm...

I'm falling out of love.

2009-10-14T14:06:00.000+08:00

I used to wait for you. Days would go by before I got a text or a hello, but I was so elated to finally hear from you that I ignored all the signs.

I forgot that I deserve better. I forgot that I actually need someone who's going to uplift and adore me, worship me, love me completely, just as I loved you. But I'll never get that from you.

I'll never get the sweet note or that hug or the awkward hand holding. I'll never be able to hold you again, to kiss you and run my fingers along your collar bone; you're simply too cruel. I can't deal with the insensitivity and the cutting jokes. I can't deal with the degrading behavior you're so trapped in.

You're sorry? Well that's wonderful, but I don't want apologies. I want a change in behavior, a change in character, and I'm not going to ask that of you because I know you too well. This is who you are, this is how you are, and I'm not supposed to try and change that. I'm accepting you as You, and moving on.

I'm falling out of love.

today, something happened.

2009-10-07T23:36:00.004+08:00

the things that you do, have you ever stopped to think; why, why do you do them?

are you deluded when you help a friend - and whatever you do for this friend, especially if she's of the opposite sex/gender, you tell yourself that you do it out the kindness of your heart, and not cuz' you've got the hots for her? how do you know this is true?
why bother going through all this trouble. isn't it human nature to want something in return, be it gratitude, or even a warm bed at night? is it hard to believe that perhaps you just want your friend to be happy. seeing her happy makes you fuzzy inside - like collecting karma points.

and do you pick a fight just because you know you can win, because you hate the person or because of the alpha male syndrome?

in crisis, one's true character shows. this, i've been told time and time again.

how much would you fight for a friend?

how far would you go to hold on to a friendship?

how hard do you hold on to your principles?

and would you back down, even if you know you were right, just because sometimes, there are other things more important in life?

all that matters is today.

today

2009-09-27T20:03:00.001+08:00

today, i received zero smses.

the sound of silence,

scary.

depressing.

romeo and juliet

2009-09-22T02:07:00.001+08:00

Romeo loved Juliet
Juliet felt the same
When he put his arms around her
He said Julie, baby, you're my flame.

maybe.

2009-09-19T17:43:00.000+08:00

Didn't you want to hear
the sound of all the places we could go
Do you fear
the expressions on the faces we don't know
It's a cold hard road when you wake up
and I don't think that I
Have the strength to let you go

Maybe it's just me, Couldn't you believe
that everything I said and did, wasn't just deceiving
And the tear in your eye, and your calm hard face
makes me wish that I was never brought into this place

There goes my ring
It might as well have been shattered
and I'm here to sing
about the things that mattered
about the things that made us feel alive for oh so long
about the things that kept you on my side when I was wrong

Maybe it's just me, Couldn't you believe
that everything I said and did, wasn't just deceiving
And the tear in your eye, and your calm hard face
makes me wish that I was never brought into this place

And someday, I promise I'll be gone
And someday, I might even sing this song
To you, I might even sing this song, to you
and I was crying alone tonight
and I was wasting all of my life just thinking of you
So just come back we'll make it better
So Just come back I'll make it
better than it ever was x2

Maybe it's just me, Couldn't you believe
that everything I said and did, wasn't just deceiving
And the tear in your eye, and your calm hard face
makes me wish that I was never brought into this place

Maybe it's just me, Couldn't you believe
that everything I said and did, wasn't just deceiving
And the tear in your eye, and your calm hard face
makes me wish that I was never brought into this place
( I want it all, Don't leave right now)
(I'll give you everything)

nice. on a lonely, cold saturday afternoon.

something

2009-09-14T01:03:00.000+08:00

something is wrong. time to sort it out. soon.

hello stranger.

2009-09-08T00:31:00.001+08:00

hello stranger
nice weather out tonight

hello stranger
why are you not talking to me tonight

hello stranger
is everything alright?

school on a weekend

2009-09-05T18:53:00.002+08:00

there is something oddly therapeutic about staying over in school, alone. perhaps it is the peace one gets just by being away from everything. or perhaps i have been craving solitude for a while. right. like i am the 'alone' kind. being alone just makes my mind race, faster than i have ever driven down the KJE. backwards.

come find me.

2009-09-02T22:56:00.003+08:00

who is he in your eyes
but just another waste of time
trying hard to gain your attention
playing with fire, courting rejection.

you are nice to everyone
maybe he misunderstood
what if i went far away
will he be gone for good?

she says:
arrogant, loud, and cocky is he
why cant he just let me be
how can i like another,
when my heart is already taken
i''m sorry,
you're just not the one for me.

he says:
don't be too quick to judge
don't be too quick to run away
this is but a simple plea,
come find me.

i am someone better
i know what you need
i will share the air i breathe
i will give you my heart on a string.

i will keep you warm in the coldest nights
and keep you dry in the stormiest weather
empty promises
these most certainly are not
sweet talk
they aren't either.

in your untold diary,
i'll be the prince, not the pauper
turn to the last page
read our happily ever after.

there is much more to this boy
than what you can see
a thousand wonders he holds
stories, magic, surprises
he's worth more than his weight in gold.

stay around, wait for the credits
you might just be surprised
that right there infront of you
is a disney fairytale
waiting to be told.

he'll be the last one standing
just wait and see
that when all else crumbles
and when the dust settles
he'll be one holding true
just waiting for you.

so don't be too quick to judge
don't be too quick to run away
this is but a simple plea,
come find me.

2009-09-01T23:16:00.001+08:00

its weird how you place so much emphasis on something, only for its meaning to wane and die overnight.

happy days

2009-08-22T22:36:00.004+08:00

yeah, thats about right. everything is gonna be alright. ahaha. happy days are here again, happy days are here to stay.

dont be too quick to count your chickens before they hatch. things may look bleak right now, hang in there. everything happens for a reason...
... looking back at the past few months, i think the funniest incident that i die die wanna share for future hindsight would be the big hoo-haa that the H1N1 virus brought to sunny Singapore. heh. imagine sports camp being canceled and all that jazz, schools canceling assembly, and i got a PAID leave just cuz i came into contact with lots of H1N1 cases. heh. so much paranoia, all died out by now.

relections. im too lazy to type. sometimes i wonder why i keep a blog. my best writings are on paper, and/or at the back of mind anyway!

oh. and welcome to NUS to my dear freshies. to the ghost of my past, BOO!

latest rant

2009-05-25T20:13:00.002+08:00

dig up old pictures and you will be amazed by how much you have changed. even if you think you are still the same, the things that you did back then, things you were not really proud of, they seem so distant. you feel different, like as if it was a different person who did those things back then.

is this when you realize you have changed, that you are more mature now?

how long is long enough?

do wounds really heal?

only time can tell.

and so the waiting game continues...

happy

2009-04-21T03:01:00.002+08:00

you feel as if you are in a prison cell and your only joy comes from looking out the grilled-up window. the sun shining on your face brings warmth you yearn for. and in that lonliness, you find, oddly, peace and happiness...

... ill take it. for now. (:

happy days are coming.
awesome.

sad (rant)

2009-03-01T09:55:00.001+08:00

like a cycle eh. its funny how one's actions can affect another adversely. and the thing is, more often than not, no malice was intended.
enough with this emo talk, enough with everything.
why cant i hate you for destroying my life?
maybe its cuz i realize its me who's bringing all this onto myself.

nonetheless... why all the hate? why?

so many questions left unanswered.
so much sadness.

miss you. rant.

2009-02-27T05:32:00.002+08:00

entah la beb. i tink im giving up. giving up on giving up. hahaha. i actually feel much much better now. but.. i still need you. i miss you. im sorry... but... i relli hope things get back to how it was last time. sigh. give me a sign. smile at me when i see ya?

perhaps go mug some day?

ah wells... im prepared to wait...

another i miss you (rant)

2009-02-05T10:15:00.002+08:00

i seem to do everything else except study. on msn, i stare at... am i obsessed? gosh. it scares me.

ive nvr been sadder in my life ever before. its like my whole essence got ripped out of me. and and and the worst part is that only just recently. like just. did i realize the mistake. all this while, haha. it feels like some cycle, i wld deduce something, only to reject the hypothesis. but now. somehow, i feel sure i know what went wrong. and i wanna tell you.

THAT IT WAS MY MISTAKE. OUR MISTAKE! but will you let me close enough to tell you this? is it already too late? sadly, i think it is.

so why am i still stuck here? im weird i guess. ):

my friends by now wld haf found someone else, forgot your number, the way u smell, stop dreaming bout you. but why is it all not happening to me?

i hate it that my heart goes up my throat when i see you walk pass. and it makes me wonder, why do i always spot you, but it seems as if u dont even see me. maybe its just in me la.

will you give me a lifetime to forget you? will you wait for me to become a better person?

please say yes.

and then it hit me (post)

2009-01-29T01:31:00.002+08:00

and then it hit me.

the drama.

the hype.

the 'hollywoodness' of it all

all the attention.

... how ignorant could i have been?

... im sorry!

hello (rant)

2009-01-29T01:06:00.002+08:00

hello dearest,
how are you? great? ...well i hope so.
ive seen you here and there. but more so when i close my eyes.
sigh. im still stuck. ):

ive missed you. do u miss me? id say no. u look fine. or is it all a front? well i hope ure doing good. always have. always will.

so why are you ignoring me? still upset? cant blame ya. i hate whats happened. but we're human. we cant change the past. only learn frm it.

can i smile when i see you next time? may i say hi? will you look away? will you hurt me some more? i hope not.

you're nice. you told me.

i hope. no. i know. i believe.

someday. someday. (:

song (song)

2009-01-25T14:41:00.003+08:00

i wish you were here with me, tonight.
tonight by FM STATIC, damn nice song.

I remember the times we spent together
All those drives, we had a
million questions
All about our lives
And when we got to New York
everything felt right
I wish you were here with me,
Tonight

I remember the days we spent together,
were not enough, it used to
feel like dreaming
Except we always woke up,
Never thought not having you here now
Would hurt so much
Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to
come and pick me up
And every night I miss you
I can just look up
And know the stars are
Holding you, holding you, holding you
Tonight

I remember the time you told me
About when you were eight
And all those things you said that night
That just couldn't wait
I remember the car you were last seen in
And the games we would play
All the times we spilled our coffees
And stayed out way too late
I remember the time you sat and told me
About your Jesus, and how not to look back
Even if no one believes us
When it hurts so bad, sometimes
Not having you hereI sing
Tonight

I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to
come and pick me up
And every night I miss you
I can just look up
And know the stars are
Holding you, holding you, holding you
Tonight

I sing
Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to
come and pick me up
And every night I miss you
I can just look up
And know the stars are
Holding you, holding you, holding you
Tonight

will you come back, tonight?

you (rant)

2009-01-24T13:56:00.002+08:00

you were born alone into this world. and you will die alone. someday. everyone is an island. no one cares or bothers. only the lucky few have friends and family that for the most part, care. i dont kno. am i damn unlucky or something? why do i make it seem so easy to care bout others, even those who dont want my care, even those who cant be bothered, ignorant. is it so hard to extend your hand to help someone in need? perhaps.

its odd la. i find.

anyway, how good a person are you? can u go to bed at night, without a care in the world? even after doing something wrong? will the memory haunt you. or will you just shrug it aside?

and one more thought running through my mind... sure they say people can change overnight. sure, people do stupid things to piss u off all the time. but, dont you think the person deserves everything in the world for one chance, a benefit of the doubt, with you remembering all the good times and things the person has done for you in the past? dont be quick to forget. you will be living a lie.

im still me. maybe a little older, a little wiser, a little mature.

and im more irritated and angry too. upset, and disappointed. at you.

nah. its a passing emotion, will go away soon.

i hate you

2009-01-19T02:24:00.002+08:00

YOU STOLE MY FRIENDS. YOU STOLE MY HAPPINESS. YOU STOLE MY EVERYTHING. are you happy now?

move on. (rant)

2009-01-03T00:35:00.001+08:00

why cant i start living my life once again?
simple. because it was stolen by someone.

2009 (post)

2009-01-01T07:41:00.001+08:00

a new year. but i still yearn for an old love. will you come around soon?

what's auld lang syne anyway?

2008-12-30T02:56:00.000+08:00

First loves as I have observed will be the one you always remember; the one you learn about the kind of pain you feel inside is so much worse than physical pain itself; some people start building walls after (sometimes the walls never come down).That is why I think that if you are someone's first love you are really lucky.

With your first love I believe you give your all or more.So open; so vunerable; so naive; so oblivious to the fact that most of the time it will probably end at some point or other and it will hurt like crazy, NO, like F***.And then it ends. For real. F***.

Then ppl build walls, shut down, close your heart, lock the doors, break down.You will get over him/her.But you are not exactly the same as before.

Someone else comes along but no matter how much you may like ths new person, you can't give as much, won't give as much, scared to give as much. You wouldn't want to go through the F***ing ordeal all over again. Do you? That's why I guess if someone is your first love, and you are not thiers, you may not be so lucky.

But it is because of the pain, the downs and the shit that when you are have your ups, your good times, you feel the incredible mind blowing difference.I am not saying after your first love you can not give your all or more. But rather you don't give your all so quickly, so recklessly, so easily. Your loves after the first will definately have to work more. Maybe even not getting through those walls and guards that were built.

This can go on and on. Debatable. Differing views.

christmas (rant)

2008-12-25T11:43:00.002+08:00

im starting to hate this. a stupid game of cat and mouse, honestly, why prolong all this drama. all the 'what ifs' are killing me, and im sure you are dying too. isnt it tiring? lets end this. please.

i just had the worst holiday ever. im starting to become a paranoid. a couple of weeks more and imma get myself admitted into IMH. seriously. do u think running away solves everything? maybe it does on your side. but as for me, seeing how you have to change your life to go around anywhere i am, it saddens me.

think i had fun at the party? look at the pics closely.

i honestly wld have prefered it if u had gone and if i stayed away. hey, its not as if u care bout how i feel... so why am i this way then?

what is love (saying)

2008-12-24T12:41:00.000+08:00

Love is never wanting to lose faith, never wanting to give up, and never truly moving on. Love is knowing and praying in the deepest part of what's left of your heart that the other person feels the same.

happy?

2008-12-17T14:39:00.002+08:00

do you remember how it was like to feel happy?

stargazing

2008-12-14T00:32:00.003+08:00

today is a very special day, one to be remembered by me for the memories, second to the times i spent with you.

18 years gone past, and tis was the first time i ever talked to my brother. not like a big bro suaning his little bro, but like equals. like friends. and we shared our darkest secrets.

i gotta admit, it felt a little awkward. but then again, that was how we were brought up. everything was businesslike and we had no time for emoshit heart to hearts.

well, its a start.

and while chilling at the nus grandstand, i saw two shooting stars. ive always had a fixation with these beauties. their lifespan so short, as they zoom past the earth's atmosphere, but yet their brilliance and the aura they creat leave a beautiful memory in the hearts and minds of the people who are fortunate to see them. you are my shooting star. u brightened up my dark skies once, and i can only wait and hope that your orbit brings u back to me in the future. :)

how far will you go.

2008-12-10T22:37:00.004+08:00

how far will you go to protect your principles? im talking bout when u see ppl do stuff that u think are wrong. do you act as if you didnt see or wld u confront them?

personally, i thnk im non confrontational. but when push comes to shove, or when im really peeved, i snap. haha. imagine me getting mad.

but yes. my history proves it. fights and more fights and many many police cases and visits to the hospitals.

and the click five's All I Need is You is looping in my background. :)

my fault?

2008-12-09T20:41:00.002+08:00

why do i cry when i read my own blog? is it the sad song which was chosen cuz it totally reflects the way i feel bout us right now? or is it the entries. or perhaps, the idea that you are no longer my friend. that my actions chased you away. yes. thats it.

im sorry.

the long wait.

2008-12-09T20:37:00.002+08:00

when you stop to think, you see things you never saw before.

when you stop running, the world moves much slower around you, and things are much more clearer.

all i ask is to be able to talk. maybe not right now. but some day perhaps?

and until then, ill be waiting. dont feel guilty bout that, ive got no other place id rather be.

and perhaps, by waiting, patiently, and giving you the space you desired, keeping my fire within me, i can finally re-gain your trust?

all i can do is hope. and wait. will you forgive me?

sad

2008-12-08T10:22:00.000+08:00

my days are long
but my nights are longer
without you by my side
i dont see them getting any shorter
without you by my side
i dont see my life getting any better
i dont want you back
you were the best i ever had
i just need you back
'cause from where i stand,
the future looks so sad.

boringness.

2008-12-07T19:06:00.003+08:00

another day going by. and i find myself at my favourite corner, sitting down. im not thinking, im not doing anything. all i want to do is cry.

dont ask me why. life seems like a chore to me. something that i gotta do not-so-whole-heartedly. its damn siandening. :(

i dont even sound like a man. who i am hates who i've been.

who i am hates who i've been.

self pity

2008-12-04T14:34:00.002+08:00

im stopping this nonsense now. when you go in search of the wrong thing, you end up screwing up everything.

time for me to go into hiding. time to find myself once again. convince him that there is a life out there meant to be lived. tell him that there are many people im disappointing right now, especially that special someone.

no more self-pity, alright? it gets you no where. wake up wake up!

please?

time. faster come faster go.

2008-12-03T01:52:00.004+08:00

u can never be too confident. everytime i thought i finally understood the problem, things happen and im brought down to size. stupid stupid. it was never you. it was me all along. like a dr jerkyl and mr hyde, my mind played tricks and i got confused. gah. please stop this torture.

afraid

2008-12-03T01:52:00.002+08:00

i will never get the chance to lead a normal life again. like a criminal tried and sentenced to death, i had no chance to plead my case. im innocent, damnit!

why are you so stubborn, why are you so adamant. well, from your blog post, its obvious u dont see the mistakes you make. maybe people are blind to their own faults. they are always quick to snap at others.

can i blame you? no. why? because im still a fool.

ill wait awhile till you realize. never be too arrogant to accept that you have made a mistake. before you accuse, take a while to contemplate, is the fault really mine or yours?

looks like you are the one thats still dwelling on e past; atleast ur perception of me is la.

time changes people. and learning new insights help changing the way people think. i can only hope you realize that.

afraid of me. honestly, im arfaid of you.

me

2008-12-02T01:43:00.002+08:00

deep down, i am still the same person. sure, ive learnt stuff and changed for the better. but where it matters, im still ME.

"i think you handled the situation very maturely. its a side of you ive never seen before"

i think youre right, minghui. :)

its time to find the old me. the funloving, random, hyperactive me.

where are you, little boy?

1 year on.

2008-11-30T14:22:00.002+08:00

ironic. suddenly, i found the need to blog. and blog and blog.

well. today is special to me. i lost my grandmother 1 year ago to this day. back then, it was a friday and i just ended my last paper.

this time round, im losing someone else. and ive got 1 more paper to go.

only fools find for coincidence, similarity within all the changes. call me a fool then.

but, the wounds are opened up again.

i miss you, my sweet torment.

goodbye.

2008-11-30T13:37:00.002+08:00

goodbye.

sometimes, they say its a second chance. that you gotta learn to say goodbye before you can say hello again.

well, it took alot from me to say that one word. you are free now. go.

dont care about me. i will be okay. time will heal all wounds.

a reply.

2008-11-30T11:07:00.003+08:00

im sorry. i really am.

but, why are you so afraid? dont worry. i wish i can be there to tell you everything will be just fine. it will be. but, it seems that im the wrong person to tell you that right now. its scary how two people can have different perceptions of things. and, i can only standby what ive been telling myself time and time again. we really need to talk. really. i wont bite.

its regretable that my persistance has caused so much problems in your life. but im torn between letting you go and letting you be happy and in the process, making myself be miserable or getting what i want and making you feel trapped in a cage. and somehow, the thin line i thread inbetween is just not enough.

people say its neither of our faults. its just the way things are. as long as you dont communicate, its gonna get worse, wich each of you doing what you deem right for the other. i know you know what you are doing. and i know you know what you want. but. all im asking of you is to realize that i am still the same person deep down inside. for all the drama and for all that has been done, its my reflex, fighting back because from where i am, it feels like you hate me very bad. and that is what that hurts. you have your own reasons to do what you did. but can you blame me for misinterpreting? like you wipe the memories off so that it will be easier for you to cope. at the same time, i see it as if you are telling me something. it comes across as if i did something wrong and you are punishing me slowly. peeling off my soul bit by bit. and its only with great control of myself do i see the things the way they are supposed to be.

i really hope you are reading this. i really do. there are many things i need to say. and i honestly believe it will clear everything and yes, we both can be happy again.

but right now. i cant hide the pain as well as you. i thought i could, i always used to. but this time round, the hurt of losing you. no, the hurt of knowing that my actions made you do the things you did, its killing me. and it sucks that i see you everywhere i go. no, i am not stalking you. as much as im still in love with you, i respect you. perhaps my actions dont show it. but i really do. and sometimes, you need to do drastic things to show that. and in my position right now, what else can i do but follow your lead and wipe away all the evidence.

i dont know when this game is going to end. but all i know is that you are a very special person. abd it hurts to see you this way. the first time i laid my eyes on you, i swore i wld nvr let anyone hurt you. and look, thats exactly what im doing right now. funny isnt it? ah, dont worry. no one bothers reading my blog anyway. im not as popular as you.

friends? what friends? the day you left me, i realized who were my true friends and who were there just for the fun of it, to bask in our happiness and company. in anycase, this month has been terrible for me to. you aside, ive had family and well, problems everywhere, even on the water. but im not blaming you. i am strong. i will survive.

sometimes, id look out of the window, see the moon and find myself hoping and praying. that all the way up there, in your own window, you too would be thinking bout me. not the things that have happened but of the good memories. of the past.

see, thats the only reason i cant move on. because from where i am right now, the future is bleak. a winding, dark and lonely road meandering endlessly with a couple of lamps by the side to give light, give hope, only to take it all away with another bend and slope.

there is nothing else i can say actually. i dont have energy. doesnt mean im going to give up. your friendship means more to me than anything else.

and having read our past conversations over msn, i realized, the answers were there all along. SPACE.

"if i dont like someone/ something he/she does i would prefer if the person leave me alone let time fades everything else and (: i will be alright again"

i really hope that is true. because until that day comes, my days will be like nights and my nights will be long and gloomy...

my sweet torment, where art thou?

time

2008-11-30T01:09:00.002+08:00

time. you are both my friend and enemy right now. its because of you, i hurt. and yet, its because of you i hope that the emotions in her will fade and things will be back to normal.

my sweets, if you are reading this, im sorry for what ive done. im sorry for how things have turned out. but please, no matter what you do, dont leave my memory. its the only thing ive got left.

still stuck

2008-11-30T00:55:00.002+08:00

you can hide everything. erase the proof. but you will never remove the memories i hold dear. i may be nothing to you right now. seeing how in ur blog, u relegated me to a non-existant regret in your life.

makes me wonder. how can two people who loved eachother so much, come to have such contrasting perspectives of their relationships?

begs the question, for all the talk, it was me wasnt it?

the tears flow effortlessly. your tongue pierces my heart like a rapier. my dearest, i can only regret that things turned out this way. and i can only hope time will heal everything. i tried very hard to make ammends, to make you see how much you meant to me. but, its as if i distanced you away from me. how will i ever let you see my side of the story?

because i will forever hurt, chasing your scent, collecting every ounce before your memory fades away long after you have gone away.

down on my knees

2008-11-27T21:51:00.002+08:00

there is only so much a man can take.

and today, for the first time in my entire life, i just broke down and cried. i always thought it was girls that did that. and for a guy to collapse, it hasta take something big. super big.

i tink i just hit a brick wall.

where are you, my sweet torment? i really need you here.

i dig deep to find the strength to carry on. but im hurt bad. bruised and wounded. like on the battle ground. no amount of painkillers can help. at the very best, they numb the pain. but the wounds still bleed and ill die eventually.

no, i wont resort to suicide. im no coward. ill fight. and ill die fighting.

its funny, i realized i forgot the man i used to be. fearless, and stoic. going into conflicts outnumbered (well, i had my baton and gun, but u get my drift la).

but now, ive been brought down to size.

still emoing.

2008-11-25T18:23:00.004+08:00

sometimes i hope ure reading this. it would make things alot better.

i dont kno why it still hurts. i juz checked our wall-to-wall on facebook. u deleted more stuff from there. it hurts. am i hurting you so much? please tell me. cuz. im hurting myself thinking about it. ive been trying really hard to give you what you want. but its taking alot out of me. sometimes, it gets unbearable. and i cant turn to you. i appear weak and hopeless in the eyes of my friends. and this does not make the situation better. hate myself for it.

there are manythings i wanna say to you. but right now, im willing to forgo everything. cuz there's no point in dwelling in the past. i want to move on from here. and i want to move on with you. i really really miss you and i hate that you treat me this way. the times when i try to contact you, its cuz im confused and i hurt bad. im torn between something i dearly want and miss and in seeing you be happy. if im not the guy for you, i guess, i got to suck it up and move on. cuz the way things are now, i dont think anyone would want me.

i cant help but keep apologizing. and hope i wont repeat my mistakes. i need your faith in me for that. could you find it in yourself? for me? please?

its funny how songs can portray how much you feel. when words are at a loss, when you cant see that special someone face to face, sometimes, songs do. its like, i can write one whole conversation using songs.and it is especially true when you're down and the world kicks you everytime you're trying to get up. six billion people in this world. six billion different souls.

but somehow, nomatter how different we all are, no matter how different our experiences, our habits, the people we love, what we might or might not have done, regardless whether we deserve what we are going through, somehow... we all hurt the same. and songs seem to say it all. its times like this, i realize, everybody hurts. you shouldnt be selfish and think your problem is the biggest one around. and that the world has to revolve around you.

that was my biggest mistake. i admit. i chased her away, and i irritated everyone around me. and by the time i picked myself up, it was kinda too late.well, everyone has their faults. its how well you bounce back from it that counts. and also, how much you learn, are willing to sacrifice and not commit the same thing over again. once is enough.my wish right now is for that someone to talk to me again. cuz, i would have never hurt anyone on purpose. and i still see no reason why i should hurt anyone. all i want to do right now is to apologize. get down on my knees (as cliched as it sounds) in the middle of the road, if need be. i dont want to force you to accept it. but i need you to understand. understand how much this means to me. how much i want you to realize, that ive been hurting not because i want you to notice. but because, its the only way i see that i can punish myself for doing wadever i did. and to learn from my mistakes. its the only way i think, i can show how much this lesson means to me and how much i want to learn, make ammends and be the man i am supposed to be.

give me this chance, please.

right now, my life is like a how5songscollide mashup in loop.

SHE SAYS: olivia ong's Sometimes When We Touch

I SAY: rascal flat's What Hurts The Most

I LIE TO MYSELF: Chris Daughtry's Over You

I ADMIT: (who am i kidding?) The Script's The Man Who Can't Be Moved.

and my friends say: Saosin's You're Not Alone.

odd. just odd, thats all.

and i remember, how that someone used a very very nice highschool musical song to tell that she had to go on her way. that i would be ok.

sometimes, i wonder. did you really believe i would be okay. or did you only care for yourself.

all i hope for, and it is this hope that keeps me living, is that just like in the movie, we will find our place in the world someday. and its funny. coz, just as how i convince myself im finally alright, that ill be okay, i tear open the wounds to see my heart break again, to see if i miss you. and its these times, half hating myself, half wishing you would be here to comfort me, reality strikes. how immature and childish i have been. how ive driven you away. lots of regrets, lots of tears. my only hope is that i will come out of this a stronger man. if not for you, for the people in my life. for myself, and for that one person waiting somewhere for me.

as for now, i still maintain that i have already found her. i just need her to realize how much she means to me once again. to believe in love, its wonder and magic. its gonna take time. but. im gonna DROP EVERYTHING. she seems happier this way. :(

if you go in with no expectations, you wont get disappointed. :)

but yeah, from where i stand, the sky is greyer on the other side, and id rather be basked in your afterglow, long after you have gone. like recovering the pieces of a picture torn to shreds by a tornado, ill take my time to mend my heart. to remind myself of this moment in time. the mistakes ive made. the thoughts in my head, deluding me that i could do no wrong.its freeaking humbling!dear god, please give me strength.

[Sometimes When We touch]

You ask me if I love you

And I choke on my reply

Id rather hurt you honestly

Than mislead you with a lie

And who am I to judge you

In what you say or do

Im only just beginning

To see the real you

And sometimes when we touch

The honestys too much

And I have to close my eyes and hide

I want to hold you till I die

Till we both break down and cry

I want to hold you till the fear in me subsides

Romance and all its strategy

Leaves me battling with my pride

But through all the insecurity

Some tenderness survives

Im just another writer

Still trapped within my truth

A hesitant prize fighter

Still trapped within my youth

And sometimes when we touch

The honestys too much

And I have to close my eyes and hide

I want to hold you till I die

Till we both break down and cry

I want to hold you till the fear in me subsides

At times Id like to break you

And drive you to your knees

At times Id like to break through

And hold you endlessly

At times I understand you

And I know how hard you try

I watched while love commands you

And Ive watched love pass you by

At times I think were drifters

Still searching for a friend

A brother or a sister

But then the passion flares again

And sometimes when we touch

The honestys too much

And I have to close my eyes and hide

I want to hold ya till I die

Till we both break down and cry

I want to hold you till the fear in me subsides

Subsides

[What Hurts The Most]

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house

That don’t bother me

I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out

I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while

Even though going on with you gone still upsets me

There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok

But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most

Was being so close

And having so much to say

And watching you walk away

And never knowing

What could have been

And not seeing that loving you

Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go

But I’m doin’ It

It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone

Still Harder Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret

But I know if I could do it over

I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart

That I left unspoken

What hurts the most

Was being so close

And having so much to say

And watching you walk away

And never knowing

What could have been

And not seeing that loving you

Is what I was tryin’ to do

What hurts the most

Was being so close

And having so much to say

And watching you walk away

And never knowing

What could have been

And not seeing that loving you

Is what I was tryin’ to do

Not seeing that loving you

That’s what I was trying to do

[Over You]

Now that it's all said and done,

I can't believe you were the one

To build me up and tear me down,

Like an old abandoned house.

What you said when you left

Just left me cold and out of breath.

I fell too far, was in way too deep.

Guess I let you get the best of me.

Well, I never saw it coming.

I should've started running

A long, long time ago.

And I never thought I'd doubt you,

I'm better off without you

More than you, more than you know.

I'm slowly getting closure.

I guess it's really over.

I'm finally getting better.

And now I'm picking up the pieces.

I'm spending all of these years

Putting my heart back together.

Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,

I got over you.

You took a hammer to these walls,

Dragged the memories down the hall,

Packed your bags and walked away.

There was nothing I could say.

And when you slammed the front door shut,

A lot of others opened up,

So did my eyes so I could see

That you never were the best for me.

Well, I never saw it coming.

I should've started running

A long, long time ago.

And I never thought I'd doubt you,

I'm better off without you

More than you, more than you know.

I'm slowly getting closure.

I guess it's really over.

I'm finally getting better.

And now I'm picking up the pieces.

I'm spending all of these years

Putting my heart back together.

Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,

I got over you.

Well, I never saw it coming.

I should've started running

A long, long time ago.

And I never thought I'd doubt you,

I'm better off without you

More than you, more than you know.

Well, I never saw it coming.

I should've started running

A long, long time ago.

And I never thought I'd doubt you,

I'm better off without you

More than you, more than you know.

I'm slowly getting closure.

I guess it's really over.

I'm finally getting better.

And now I'm picking up the pieces.

I'm spending all of these years

Putting my heart back together.

Well I'm putting my heart back together,

Cause I got over you.Well I got over you.

I got over you.

Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,

I got over you.

[The Man Who Can't Be Moved]

Going back to the corner where I first saw you,

Gonna camp in my sleeping bag I'm not gonna move,

Got some words on cardboard got your picture in my hand,

Saying if you see this girl can you tell her where I am,

Some try to hand me money they don't understand,

I'm not...broke I'm just a broken hearted man,

I know it makes no sense, but what else can I do,

How can I move on when I'm still in love with you...

Cos if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me,

And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,

Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet,

And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.

So I'm not moving...

I'm not moving.

Policeman says son you can't stay here,

I said there's someone I'm waiting for if it's a day, a month, a year,

Gotta stand my ground even if it rains or snows,

If she changes her mind this is the first place she will go.

Cos if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me,

And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,

Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet,

And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.

So I'm not moving...

I'm not moving.

I'm not moving...

I'm not moving.

People talk about the guy

Who's waiting on a girl...

There are no holes in his shoes

But a big hole in his world...

Hmmmm and maybe I'll get famous as man who can't be moved,

And maybe you won't mean to but you'll see me on the news,

And you'll come running to the corner...

Cos you'll know it's just for you

I'm the man who can't be moved

I'm the man who can't be moved...

Cos if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me,

And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,

Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet,

And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.

[Repeat in background]

So I'm not moving...

I'm not moving.

I'm not moving...

I'm not moving.

Going back to the corner where I first saw you,

Gonna camp in my sleeping bag and I'm not gonna move.

[You're Not Alone]

It's just like him

To wander off in the evergreen park

Slowly searching for any sign

Of the ones he used to love.

He says he's got nothing left to live for

(He says he's got nothing left...)

And this time I think you'll know..

You're not alone

There is more to this, I know

You can make it out

You will live to tell

She's just like him

Spoiled rotten

Confused by the lies she's been fed

And she's searching for no one.

(But herself)

Her eyes turn to green and she seems to be happy

That she is here

And this time I think you'll know...

You're not alone

There is more to this, I know

You can make it out

You will live to tell

You're not alone

There is more to this, I know

You can make it out

(There is more to know)

We're not alone

There is more to this, I know

You can make it out

You will live to tell..

(So tell me)

You're not alone

There is more to this, I know

You can make it out

(Make it out)

You will live to tell

(Live to tell)

You're not alone

There is more to this, I know

(And I know)

You can make it out

You will live to tell..

You are not alone.

You're not, you're not alone

sigh. beautiful isn't it? i've lost someone. someone who has no equal in my life. but i've gained lots of real friends. life is beautiful.

and in the hardest of times, you learn beautiful lessons. but its what you make of it that counts. i still find myself asking this question tho, my sweet torment, where art thou? so what is your that one song?

lost everything

2008-11-23T11:14:00.003+08:00

i stand here, a new man. not one to be proud of. rather, im ashamed, torn and dejected. i sense a cycle starting. uve got a high point in life, things go ur way. uve got lots of friends and admirers, u find that special someone. ure strong. or are you?

its only in testing times do you see your true worth. your character is put under fire and it takes pure mental fortitude to come out unscathed.

i always thought i was doing the right thing. that cuz i kept thinking before acting, i should be safe. but for all my arrogance, i countered the turn too much and i hit the wall on the other side.

i lost her. firstly. i achieved something i swore never to do the moment i laid my eyes on her. i hurt her. she doesnt want anything to do with me now. its obvious. i see her everywhere i go. literally. but its as if im invisible. a while ago, she was adamant that she wanted to come down to support me in the race that meant more to me than she herself. and look at the situation now. she wouldnt even wish me good luck. do i deserve it? yeah. probably. i was stupid and ignorant. hurting someone without realizing is a bigger crime than if u were to hurt her on purpose. atleast in that case, u kno where u went wrong or u kno wad ure doing, so u can make ammends if need be. one month down, i realize my mistakes. but i also find myself repeating them.

so ive decided. to truly get back what i want, i relli needa learn to let go.

odd. ive been hurt super bad. nvr felt this way before. its like pain and fear of being lonely twined with a deep sense of yearning and lost, sugarcoated with the memories which now seem so distant. it feels as if youve died. like i killed you. that is one regret i will never overcome.

maybe ill nvr love again. a farfetched conclusion. but. fuck it la. no hurt is this worth it. unless i can have you back. am i a fool? perhaps.

oh, and wen i tot the world cant get any more cruel, guess what. boat B got eliminated today. they were supposed to get a good comfortable race and make it into e finals. BUT. sdba changed their line-up. the semis became a finals. the boys were devastated. they werent psyched up enough. can u blame them? dragonboating is about the mental. everyone is equally strong. its about how ure gonna overcome ur physical state. convince urself that u can go that extra inch when ur body simply refuses to move. oh well. sacrifices. sometimes, they are worth it.

WHAT AM I TO DO NOW? ive lost on two fronts. i dont want to die on this last battle. i wish you would be here, to tell me like you used to, to reassure me that everything is gonna be ok. i kno ill be alright. but. i cant go through this much alone.

it feels like u lied to me. u said u wd be there for me as a friend. well, friends dont abandon their friends. ok, ive done stuff.. but its not like im not aware or remourseful wad. i cry, drean abd waste my study time thinking of this.

and the stupidest thing? i held your picture close to my heart as i was psyching up for my race yesterday. thats how much u mean to me. cant understand why u dun see things my way. do i deserve this? all i did was love you. alittle too much perhaps. i was happy with wad i got in return. all i asked was to see ur smile. was that too much?

apparently, yes.

they say time will heal all wounds. one thing is for sure, my scar will remain till the day i die. i will never forget you. i will never hate you. i can never be angry, cuz i understand. u had to do those things you did. for yourself. my only regret was that you forgot bout me. u said i wld be ok. u even quoted that song. i fell for it. i believed you.

then you said im not the guy for you. u said lots of harsh stuff. maybe my persistance wen u wanted to be free, drove u to say those things. but they hurt. i nvr raised my voice on you. i nvr dared use any vulgar or hurtful words too. but these words coming from you, please dont do it to any other guy. kristie says im strong. and i took it well enough. i toyed with suicide. heh. no, im not that weak. its juz that, the thought flashed tru my mind. and i was wondering. when push comes to shove, is this a worthit situation for suicide. maybe. if u cant see how much u mean to me. i gotta do somethhng to tell u that. something to separate myself from all the other guys out there who use clicke and want their baby back. i am not like them. because, im yours. i was yours.

in anycase, i see that you are happy. like ure genuinely smiling. oddly, u nvr smiled that way wen u were with me. things were all serious. heartfelt and sweet. but nothing haha funny, im enjoying myself kind. sighs.

i failed. failed big time.

what do i do next? its like, i cant go to anyone right now. cuz i tink they are sianded by me. like im the bad guy now. maybe i am. kristen tells me to just forget it. life sucks. deal with it. aie. its easier said than done. do i look like i enjoy being hurt? erm, i tot i did. cuz im hurt by an angel.

ah crap. cheesiness.

i miss you.

2008-10-26T23:48:00.002+08:00

sports camp, rag, school and a girlfriend. long story cut short. :)

An empty street
An empty house
A hole inside my heart
I’m all alone
The rooms are getting smaller

I wonder how
I wonder why
I wonder where they are
The days we had
The songs we sang together
Oh yeah

And all my love
We’re holding on forever
Reaching for the love that seems so far

Chorus
So I say it in a prayer
Hope my dreams will take me there
Where the skies are blue
To see you once again my love

All the seas go coast to coast
Find the place I love the most
Where the fields are green
To see you once again my love

I tried to read
I go to work I
’m laughing with my friends
But I can’t stop
To keep myself from thinking
Oh no

I wonder how
I wonder why
I wonder where they are
The days we had
The songs we sang together
Oh yeah

And all my love
We’re holding on forever
Reaching for the love that seems so far

Chorus
So I say it in a prayer
Hope my dreams will take me there
Where the skies are blue
To see you once again my love

All the seas go coast to coast
Find the place I love the most
Where the fields are green
To see you once again

To hold you in my arms
To promise you my love
To tell you from my heart
You’re all I’m thinking of
Reaching for the love that seems so far

Chorus
So …So I say it in a prayer
Hope my dreams will take me there
Where the skies are blue
To see you once again my love
All the seas go coast to coast
Find the place I love the most
Where the fields are green
To see you once again my love

See you in a prayer
Dreams will take me there
Where the skies are blue
To see you once again my love
All the seas go coast to coast
Find the place I love the most
Where the fields are green
To see you once again my love

pm cup

2008-06-24T09:42:00.003+08:00

im becoming a different person again. this time its for the better.
less than one week to the race of the season. FOCUS.

sports camp

2008-06-24T09:42:00.001+08:00

fake freshies. excellent.

screwed up.

2008-05-08T21:58:00.004+08:00

i find myself more stressed out now than i was while mugging.

yeah. perhaps its due to e fact tt i kinda screwed myself up left right and center.

fuck man. can u imagine. my tutor almost gave away e qns in lecture and i muz haf been piss ass drunk to screw that up.

ah well. countdown to screwed cap results starts today. 22 days to go.

bad dream.

2008-05-07T22:49:00.002+08:00

why do i find myself playing more den im supposed to be mugging?

haha. thats coz im deluded.

deluded that im damn zhai.

that the exams are gonna be easy peasy.

...im juz waiting to be struck down.

wake up to reality.

a reality of big round fat C minuses.

oh boy.
i don't wanna wake up.
ever.

no time for school.

2008-03-20T22:08:00.005+08:00

if everyweek in my NUS life was to be like this week, ill be a very contempt guy. haha.

no time for school. lol.

...and i think im finally over you. :)

goodbye

2008-03-01T15:59:00.002+08:00

i hope you are happy now.... ive lost my confidence and hope.

all i asked wuz for u to be there for me when i relli relli needed ya. even as a friend. it hurts so much to realize that you cant be bothered. that u wld rather see me suffer than get ur hands dirty. if i dont mean anything to you, then i guess this is goodbye.

oddly, i still cant get angry with you. sigh.

takecare, sunshine.

2008-03-01T07:03:00.001+08:00

they say its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved before. hmm. i dunno man...

2008-02-18T02:53:00.001+08:00

i feel like crap... no really, i feel like i needa go to the toilet. :)

end.

2008-02-12T09:33:00.000+08:00

something juz struck me like a ton of bricks... for all my talk of bein super damn cool, blah blah blah, i realize im actually a big fat (ok, big, skinny) lousy excuse for a guy. im emotionally screwed up and im immature. hai. took me long enough to realise. oh well, juz hope e damage can be fixed.

yesterday marked a new chapter in my life. technically. its like all my probs were solved within e space of that five mins.

time to train even harder. pull and lift and push heavier. be nicer. be more mature.

no more mr wussy wuss. :)

sigh.

2008-02-06T06:43:00.000+08:00

how do show someone that you are truly sorry for what you have done when what you did didnt occur for the first time? i dont know. all i know is that im learning lots bout myself right now than ever before. which i think is a good thing. the oni good thing to come out of all this.

sighs. if only there was a less painful lesson to teach me all this.

oh well. let time take its course. time heals all wounds... doesnt it?

maybe. just maybe. ill keep my hopes up just for it.

yay

2008-01-25T19:50:00.000+08:00

when paths cross.
ill be there for you.

haha. that has got to be one of the 'huh' things i can say right now. even i dont get it.

haha. oh well. im injured. stupid me. tts wappens if u dun listen to ur elders. oh well. atleast its a minor injury. i did score 2 goals tho. haha. hope my hand recovers soon la. got training 2mrw...

... and did i mention? im in e mixed team!!

why.

2008-01-24T17:00:00.000+08:00

why do i get jealous when i see you with other guys?
why do i miss you before you say goodbye?
why do i get all worked up and start to cry?

2008-01-21T23:13:00.000+08:00

is life really a rollercoster? it sucks.

im really sorry for everything. i took you for granted. thought u wldnt mind. unfortunately u did.

wen u told me. u said it matter of factly. it felt like a ton of bricks. it crushed me.

i feel hollow inside now. like all the feelings in me has been sucked dry. stupid enough to think u cared.

and u left me to wallow in self pity. with no one to turn to. while u walked away.

wierd thing is. i miss you already.

2008-01-20T23:45:00.000+08:00

im a fool. i waited 40 mins for u to reply. to atleast say hi. and im still waiting. sigh.

2008-01-20T22:21:00.000+08:00

i may be getting a car. woweee.

haha, ok. i shall not curse myself.

i have a habbit of counting my chickens before they hatch.

:(

and im missing you.

2008-01-19T21:38:00.001+08:00

when we sit. like strangers. not talking. not looking.
thats when i know something is wrong.
how can i turn a blind eye.
please tell.

2008-01-18T22:59:00.000+08:00

somehow it affects me when i see you down in the dumps.
i want to help. but i dont know how.
how can anyone get moodswings and say that its nothing.
like as if its as random as the weather these days.
i may be thick sometimes. bt im not THAT dumb.

or am i?

2008-01-15T23:15:00.001+08:00

i tink my knee is busted.
cant bend it. owwwwie..

oh!! i did 32 chinups today. in one go!

sigh.

2008-01-15T10:14:00.001+08:00

im having the worst week of my NUS life. and it kinda sucks coz im going tru it alone. i woke up today with a sore lip. damn sad la. its swollen and err... painful. not to mention ugly. haha. 2 days ago, i developed 4 pimples. yeah. life sucks. and its juz e 2nd day of school!

not to mention the emotional rollercoaster im going through right now. THAT i want to live without. i seriously didnt ask for it. so why is it happening to me?

i guess im bordering rejection right now. its a total damper. damn sad la. why do so many misunderstand me? why do i get defensive? i got no clue. honestly.

i guess im a creature of habbit. i got stressed when she started thinking tt i was getting too close. and e worse part is...

e more i thought about it, e more i felt it was true. which sucks.

history is gonna repeat itself. im tryin to do some damage control. bt im screwing myself even deeper. ok, its alright if e damage and hurt is contained by me. i dun relli want sm1 else to suffer coz of my foolishness. if only you knew. if only you cared. if only i wasnt so weak. if only i wasnt so afraid of rejection... yeah, lots of if onlys.

2008-01-12T23:23:00.000+08:00

do i think with my head? or do i let my emotions get the better of me?
honestly, i have no idea.

i juz spent 3 hrs on e swing at the courtyard. stoning.
3hrs wasted?
i have no idea.

guess i think too much.
u kinda seem to agree on that.

why do i think too much?
mabbe its coz its juz me. paranoid.

no worries tho. i dont bite. :)

2008-01-11T09:28:00.000+08:00

i needa learn to be more patient.

2008-01-10T17:06:00.000+08:00

its a miracle how a person's emotions can change within a split second.
its a miracle how a good intention can be misintepreted.
OK. the above two statements are not related in any means what so ever.
yup.

how i wish i was braver.

much much much braver.

.

2008-01-01T19:35:00.000+08:00

wow. 2008 already.

i guess 2007 has been my best year of my pathetic life so far. my spam new year's msg says it all. met lots of great new people who have coloured in the year gone past. 2008 will surely be better now that i know u guys.

yeah. i still did lose that special someone. which sucks. if only she knew the stupidity of it all. ah well, she is as thick as concrete. or lead.

anyway, celebrations were cool. madness and jammed pack are mere understatements. imagine the fact that the marinasquare 7-11 became a mini club la. with a bouncer to keep e crowd outside. and he let in ppl oni wen others came out. haha, me n bennet juz cut que. lol. VIP.
firework sucked. but i guess its the company that counts la. haha. brotherly love. tnx guys for staying till 6am! haha.
mind cafe was fun. pple watching at MoS was also fun. haha. guess what. its a general agreement that baby W is act cool... sooo not cool. hahaha.

im still deciding on which modules to take. bloody PS intro mods out of stock nxt sem. damn sian ar. i dun wanna go for a 8am lecture can? pleeease save me. hahah.

2007-12-31T12:24:00.000+08:00

but i said yes when u asked!

oh well. looks like im nt watching avp2 on e big screens.

its okae. 20 bucks saved.

lousy grades

2007-12-27T22:26:00.000+08:00

still getting to the harsh realities of life. just realised that all it takes to pull your CAP score down is ONE frigging module!! which sucks la. oh well... my condolences to those who did worse than expected. exam results are a bitch. :)

still cant believe i got a 'B-' for geography. WTF!

throat

2007-12-24T00:26:00.000+08:00

damn my throat hurts.

... recently, ive been starting to cough (its like damn irritating la) on e stroke of midnight. gosh!

... and im relli sorry for being annoyingly irritating. u can't blame me. :)

weak

2007-12-17T14:52:00.000+08:00

being weak is subjective. maybe my standards are plain high. or maybe i just suck.

whatever.

all i know is i need to buck up on my fitness. i wun remain the fastest for long if i don't train.

disappointed

2007-12-16T16:48:00.000+08:00

second just don't cut it.

how long more do i have to wait for my first winner's medal? (or any colour medal for that fact)

today, we had another disappointing day out in the water. missed out on getting into the finals by a couple of milliseconds. so ended up winning the minor final. so yup. no medal. just some dumb plaque tingy that is gonna be displayed at school. ah well, back to training.

dumb

2007-12-09T00:20:00.000+08:00

i feel dumb. why do i bother so much? its not as if you care.

is it a dream?

2007-12-07T20:12:00.001+08:00

it feels like a dream. a bad dream. the kind where you get hurt physically but yet, you cant feel anything coz its a dream. kinda numbing.

... and 'what hurts the most' is still looping in my background. if only you knew.

bye bye

2007-12-06T18:40:00.000+08:00

day one.

it still hurts. maybe i was being too dramatic.

it some how feels as though you don't really care- as if you think i was kidding. that's the prob. you never took me seriously. ever.

oh well. :(

life sucks.

2007-12-05T18:53:00.001+08:00

It sucks when you know there is nothing you could do
To change things and make it better
Standing there and watching someone go
Knowing that they won’t come back, ever.

... ah. im addicted to what hurts the most- rascal flatts. niceee.

ignore me

2007-12-04T12:10:00.000+08:00

juz coz a guy is friendly towards someone, doesnt mean he has e hots for that someone.

poem. half way

2007-11-30T19:53:00.000+08:00

Time will pass,
seasons will change.
As dawn turns to dusk
you will remain;
in my heart,
never to depart…

... i dare not continue writing.

i will never say goodbye

i know you will return

and i will be right here waiting.

sad end. happy start

2007-11-30T19:33:00.000+08:00

ahhh. and so it ends. my first chapter in NUS. reflection time. as we drove out of SRC, wif zamir and nick echoing shouts of 'MERDEKA!"... i come to wonder... how long more are we gonna remain this happy till?

my ans came within 4 hrs. my grandma is in hospital. shes more than a mom to me. tt much i can say. they say u only miss and cherish sm1 when they are gone.

i say u cherish that person more when u know they are going soon and never coming back.

i feel emo. i feel like writing a poem.
how i dreaded not to write bout one this way.

BLEAQH

2007-11-14T23:29:00.000+08:00

somehow, when u are frigging busy, u come up with all e wierd ideas that juz cant seem to stop bugging u and make it hard for u to conc. on ur task at hand. yup. its ben aeons since i last blogged.

mainly coz i thought blogging is gay. and secondly i figured my life is boring. for wad fuck shld i like hang all my dirty linen out to dry... then i paused and wondered.

how has my life changed since june 18? one word. alot. ok, technically its 2 words. bt u get my point.

i guess e fact that i kinda weigh e same despite my exercise and dragonboat means that i actually lost a truckload of fats. haha. and im relli getting deluded. sorry la. ive never been this good at anything before. i like e feeling of waking past and ppl are staring at you. and they utter stuff that wen u hear, u cant help bt beam bigbig. haha. yeah. woo. eh. lemme have my five mins in e limelight la. im no longer e loser of yesteryear. (and to the geekturds who looked down at me back then and laughed, haha right back atcha!)... ok. that was enough. haha.

school rocks. lotsa friends. usual stuff lar. bt eh. cant ask more at e moment. memories sure will remain with me. i guess my one resolution from now till end of term - other den mugging like nver b4 is to become e person who ive been neglecting for quite a while. sure, im a totally changed person. ive got a new purpose in life. bt i still feel like smthing is missing to make my 14shades of grey into 2 beautiful rainbows.

what is that missing thing? i have noo idea.

till then... pangzhai lar!

weight

2007-06-18T23:50:00.000+08:00

oh! and ive gained 1 kg! im 57kgs now. haha. n is tt an 8pac i see? lol. frigging happy eh. my back is superr beeeaaauuuttiiffuuuulll.

heh. n yep, my ego is as big as ever.

this poem has no title coz jeanette could not think of one suitable enough

2007-06-18T23:33:00.000+08:00

we all noe how i suck at coming up wif a title for me works... bt i tink tis one takes e cake. haha.
toot. it has no title coz jeanette could not think of one suitable enough.

.
.
.
.

saying goodbye is always the hardest part
learning to live without, and making a new start.

sometimes it hurts, to look back into the past.
wondering why we couldn’t make things last.

our paths don't cross, that much we know
we both want to fly, live our dreams, let them grow.

our feelings have been changing for quite some time.
neither wanted to admit it, we both felt it was a crime.

the promises that we had made, neither wanted to break.
we both wanted to give, neither wanted to take.

the ring on my finger, a thousand words it speaks
yet when i listen close, not a single sound it leaks.

removing the ring was painful, didn’t expect it to hurt so much
it was stuck, as if only to come off with your soft touch.

a passion never requited, a love with no goodbyes
a life without each other, a relationship based on lies.

so this i say to you my dear, as i begin the walk away.
i'll always look back in fondness; in my heart you will always stay.

i’ll remember you for always, and love you forever more.
but the time has come to say goodbye, and walk out the door.

i’ll always miss your laughter, and the warmth it brought to me,
this memory ill keep dear and close, with me it will forever be.

2007-04-24T01:20:00.000+08:00

life is one frigging roller coaster ride. one moment ure damn high coz of smone... n e nxt moment, ure down in e doldrums coz of some other stupid reason. why izzit that words are so powerful? 26 letters jumbled up and punctuated with well, punctuation marks and spaces. if only e human brain could process our speech and actions... weigh the consequences before we actually perform it... or if only life had pause, rewind and play buttons.

one thing is for shure. im well known for shooting myself in e foot. heck, if e bullets were real, id have no feet left to shoot.

so to anyone i might have accidentally hurt, my sincerest and deepest apologies.

notice how i use the word 'accidentally'. no, im nt deluded into thinking tt i can commit no sin. on the contrary. its juz that i honestly dont mean half the stuff i say. a friend once commented that i dont mean what i say and i say what i dont mean. hmm... deep stuff...

back to my rollercoaster of a life. i juz got a free laptop... courtesy of my good 'ol uncle. and on e cards is mamat passing over his car to me for 'safe keeping'. i shant elaborate on that as i haf a tendency to count my eggs before they hatch. come to tink of it... im relli sia suay in this department. some soul searching has thought me that its probably due to me boasting of future aquisitions... and god simply shoots my ego down.

even as i write this, anudder friend got upset by smtin i said. cant deny that it was my fault back dere... bt i dunno. i shld haf rephrased things more tactfully i guess. my efforts to contact here has been futile. mabbe shes blocking me out. how sia?

juz wen i tot life cldnt get any worse, my rollercoaster went underground.

i dunno... i see myself as e outgoing n friendly type. i guess i care too much bout other ppl. i mean, when my friends r wrestling on e ground, i instinctly look out for sharp edges n stuff... n i cant help myself opening doors for random ladies. haha. so wen smone accuses me of bein selfish, well, it hurts relli relli relli bad. my mind races trying to think- where in e hell did i screw up?

man this sucks. wat a depressing entry. its like as tho my emotions r channeling via my fingers into e keypad. hope e planets shift soon. i can sure as hell use with a little ray of light shining on my garden patch... which reminds me (altho i dun see e connection how)

i gotta go pray. find solace in religion.

good bye ns.

2007-02-14T16:55:00.000+08:00

whoa. im at the end of my ns stint. way freaky. i mean, come to tink of it, 2 yrs is all over. feels like just yesterday i got enlisted. super fast indeed. n within this 2 yrs, i really have changed... hopefully fo e better tho... hmm, lets take a look shall we...

i used to be a fat slob. no relli. ippt fail. e oni ting sporty bout me was e fact tt i liked soccer. nt much e fact tt i cldnt even last one half... let alone play well.

more abt tis fat slob- wore size 35 pants. haha. tummy like a beer belly. kena call fat by everyone. man, n to tink i was in denial tt i actually was nt happy wen my fi called me fat boy.

oh yea, i cldnt do a pull up to save my life too.

heh. fast fwd to today n i guess im changed. haha. my new year resolution had been met. n i kinda like tis new outlook of mine. plus e comments ppl give... haha. gives me a smirk, smile and satisfaction nomatter how hard i try to suppress trying to look gay. haha. n yea, im nt gay... despite my tendencies to like pink (hey, i love cute chicks in pink)

wicked sick. my ippt gold liao ah. 2.4 is an amazing 8mins. altho i cant pass my standing broad jump for nuts (did i say i got gold? hush hush. lol)
i guess some time back i must have been abducted by aliens. i mean seriusly, its been a 180 degree turn around la.
in retrospect, i wuzznt e most popular guy back then. heh, im confident enuff to say tt ive done enuff to make myself more likeable... or m i deluded... still? wadever.
used to have many enemies, or so i deduced after hearing hearsay. haha. sounds wierd. bt i guess its partly due to my gloating and many unsavoury lies. yeah. i was a jerk back then (im a nice jerk now... a nice deluded one)
haiz, dun relli noe e motive to tell all e stories bt its suffice to noe tt i was at it since pri sch. haha, bt ive learnt e follies of my old self. yep. i have sworn to tell the truth, and nothing but the truth.
back to my self discovery during ns... firstly, id like to apologise to my bunk mates 4rm squad 11 fo every occassion in which i may haf offended them. either physically or mentally or emotionally. sorry bro, i was an ass. i admit. hahaz. (tt laff sure made it sound less sincere) aniwayz, yeah. i guess seeing u guys slugging it out at night in e barracks, plus e countless torture sessions we had 2 endure woke me up. literally. i kinda started to like running... all tnx to tracom's nice running route. heh. gosh. im starting to get all tear eyed. soo un macho. hahaz.

my 2005-2006 saw many firsts in my life. i won my first official sporting trophy for dragonboat in nov 2006 and recently got 8th fastest HTNS runner for 2.4km and also e floorball trophy. haha. to tink i nvr won anitin cept tt medal in pri one.

e more i tink abt it, the more nostalgic i get. heck, im starting to miss the main gate already. juz nw, i met up wif farhan. man a 102% for his C.O.S? wayy cool la. haha. n i got a 94%. tt one oso tentative. so what if my commander wanted me 2 b her sa? so what if i was seen as e best sc? its not reflected on ppr... wats e use? ohh wells, life starts anew from here on. n its gonna get better. haha. come my 21st birthday, itll b e 1st day of school. cant wait!

2006-12-14T00:53:00.000+08:00

i finally see it! haha. n i tink tis news deserves some sharing. ler... im talking bout my six-pac la ass. no serisuly. last time it was all a delusion. as in was cheating myself. now i see it. feel it even. heh. 3 mths of running and crunches shld do it. damn it. n my tis mth pay iz gonna go to pay for my hydroxycut (which burns fat and reduces weight) and weider weight gainer (to bulk up n gain muscle n weight). whoa. ironic? oxymoronic? heh. it duzznt make sense? it does la. simple. lose fat, gain muscle. woot. cant wait.

anudder poem.

2006-09-04T08:28:00.000+08:00

if theres one thing im bad at, its the fact that i cant come up wif a suitable title fo my stuffs. no seriusly. i mean i cant seem to figure out one tt is apt and pretty much describes this work. haha. so ill call this piece 'untitled #43' (im juz being random here)

sometimes i think my life has no meaning
its like i’m coasting without effect;
often making me wonder if I truly
deserve all this respect

i search through days that have been hard,
to try to understand,
the many trials that i have known,
in this life that i think i have had.

you see me in my daily grind,
so confident and so strong;
yet when i am alone, i question
just where do i belong?

i often try too hard to find,
what is my place in god’s design
where do I feature in his mystical diary
am i a pauper. a prince or just a waste of time?

for somewhere deeper, there must be
some meaning to this life,
some way to make a difference,
give a reason for this pointless strife.

is there some hidden meaning?
some agenda to be found?
a greater purpose waiting
if i care to hang around?

it teases and it taunts me,
always slightly out of sight;
a hazy vision out of reach,
filtered away from the light.

i struggle to bring clarity
to what awaits me there,
and yet this weak illusion
always fades before my stare.

it seems the harder that I try,
to focus through the haze,
i only add more questions,
to this never ending maze.

perhaps i'm trying too hard,
to understand it all,
i’m looking at all the wrong places
while the answer i seek is written on the wall.

poor.

2006-09-04T08:19:00.000+08:00

i need cash. im officially bankrupt. anione wanna spare me some loose change?